A week ago I saw a shopping bag with a simple slogan on it: ‘Fighting Animal Testing’. And now I want to buy whatever they’re selling.

The reason, the product is tested on fighting animals. That is cool. Animals are fighting each other while they test this product. I’m not sure what the product is, but if a fighting animal gives it a seal of approval, I’ll but it.

Imagine if it’s a shirt that a lion wore while fighting another lion in testing. That must be one great shirt. Or a soap tested by penguins fighting in the desert, if they’re clean and smell good after that, I’m buying it. Or a fireproof hat tested by fighting dragons.

Whatever the product is, I want it.

I recently choked on some fast food, not unusual, but it did inspire a monologue. After I spoke the first line it just came out of me. I made it up, and I’d like to share it with you. I can’t remember the exact wording, but I think this is pretty close. Enjoy.

“I have trouble with food.

“I am putting something in my mouth, and I generally have no idea where it has come from or what is in it. I also have no idea who has made it, or what they used to make it.

“It takes a lot of trust to put something in your mouth and eat it.

“Maybe I have trust issues, maybe that’s why I only drink water. I know who made that.

“But with this food, you just don’t know. Anyone could slip something in there, so can I really trust it. Is this really made from potato…”

I got a few looks at this stage, so I stopped.

This is a great concert! The lights! The songs! The music! I love it! It just takes me back, it’s been ages since I’ve enjoyed something so much.

I just loved that first bit where he came out on stage with his friend there, and they told some jokes, and we all laughed. Then the music, I just love his songs. The way he makes me wanna sing and dance.

I just love the energy. I love this, thanks for the invite. But I just have one question… Why are we whispering?

“Cause this is Colin Buchanan and we’re in our twenties.”

This is a great concert! The lights! The songs! The music! I love it! It just takes me back, it’s been ages since I’ve enjoyed something so much.

I just loved that first bit where they came out on stage with their friends, and they told some jokes, and we all laughed. Then the music, I just love their songs. The way they make me wanna sing and dance.

I just love the energy. I love this, thanks for the invite. But I just have one question… Why are we whispering?

“Cause this is The Wiggles and we’re in our twenties.”

I am young. I’m younger than I will be tomorrow, but older than I was yesterday. So age is really just a number.

Most of my cousins are older than me, that’s cool, but what if they weren’t?

Today I am starting a radical plan that will make me older than all of my cousins. I call it ‘Operation 31’.

It simply involves me lying about my age so often that they start to believe how old I want them to think I am.

I will start by telling my family that I am 22 (I’m 21). Then I will turn 23. And I will start the process again by saying I’m 25 (when I’ll be 22). From there I will keep going until I am the first cousin to turn 31.

My birth date will stay the same, and by that I mean that I will keep telling people I was born in 1884.

It’s a brilliant plan, just don’t tell anyone.

I was recently hanging with some juveniles, and that is just a fancy word for kids. Although, I understand that it may have some negative connotations because the word is often followed by delinquents. I assure you that these juveniles were not delinquents, although, maybe they should be.

So, we were playing hide and seek when one of the juveniles came up to me and ripped off my nose! Then she showed all the other juveniles my nose and ran away with it! For some reason there was no blood and my face didn’t hurt, but she still had my nose!

A few minutes later she reattached my nose to my face just as easily as she ripped it off, she must’ve used a very powerful glue. I was very thankful that she gave my nose back, but for some reason it hurts.

I think she dropped it.

I have recently been in a Star Wars mood, I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one. Soon I’ll be watching Episode I-VI in preparation for The Force Awakens. TV stations have already been showing them, so I’ve caught bits and pieces, and my biggest question is, what is Jawa juice?

In Episode II: Attack of the Clones, Obi-Wan visits Dex at his diner. The droid waitress, FLO (WA-7), offers Obi-Wan a cup of Jawa juice, but, and I’m sure I’m not the only one to wonder, what is Jawa juice.

We all know what Jawas are, which leads me to wonder if Jawa juice is dead, blended, liquefied Jawa. And I have wondered for a while.

Well, let me put your mind at ease. Jawa juice is a nickname for an alcoholic drink made with bantha hide and fermented grains. Officially it is called an Ardees, manufactured by the Ardees Beverage Company.

Etee uwanna waa.

This is my 57^th post on ‘Wait! What? Sorry.’ And it marks a year since my first post. On this anniversary I have looked back on some of my favourite posts, which is all of them. So I’d like to tell you about all of them, but I can’t, my people say it’ll be too long and reveal too much. So instead I’ll just give you the titles and you can click through to read them. And what better way to do that than with a game of ‘Questions Only’ (yes, based on the Whose Line Is It Anyway game where you can only ask questions).

Do you want me to cry? What did I hear? Where did you come from? What on Earth happened? Why did you attack our victim here? Would you like a murder weapon with that? Can you handle the truth?

Does this scare you? Can I ask you a question? Do you want peace? Does time really matter? Do I get the blue one or the red one? A Cliché?

Am I going to die? Can I bury you alive? Does this hurt? Why does my head hurt? You wanna know how I got these scars? What have you done this time? Was it him again?

Can I get a burger? Can I have a chocolate milkshake? What’s for dinner? Is it a UFO? Would you still eat it? Which one is which? Do you wanna know what would be perfect? Is this a dream? Can I go to bed?

Why did the chicken cross the road? Are you a cat person? Do you want to be an animal? Do you mind me calling you a pig? Do you really want peace? How do I react to the death of a bug? Did I break it?

Do you want some facts about leaves? Why did he just look at the ceiling? Who is that guy? When were you born? When do I get my adult legs? Can you find me? Why did you leave me?

What do I write about? Is this worth mentioning? Can you read this? Why did I type that? Is this a song Michael? Is this impressive? Can I make a paper aeroplane?

Who will win tonight? Why won’t they win? What to analyse? Why analyse what I’ve already analysed? Where are we taking them? Why do I hate X-mas?

I was wandering in the rain. As I, turn up the collar on my favourite winter coat. I tried to keep my sanity. The way she came into the place, I knew right then and there, there was something different about this girl. My life will never be the same. She knows I’m watching, she likes the way I stare. She was more like a beauty queen from a movie scene. Hey pretty baby with the high heels on.

Aaow!

Do you remember the time, we fell in love, do you remember the time, when we first met girl? Speechless, speechless, that’s how you make me feel. I’m so proud to say I love you. Your burdens I will bear. I just can’t stop loving you. Will you still care, will you be there? We made our vows. And we’ll be forever true. I’m so proud I am the only one who is special in her heart, the girl is mine.

Whoo!

He came into your apartment, left the bloodstains on the carpet. The blood is on the dancefloor, the blood is on the knife. Someone’s always tryin’ to start my baby cryin’. I ain’t scared of your brother, I ain’t scared of no sheets, I ain’t scared of nobody. I’m giving you on the count of three. Who gave you the right to shake my baby, she needs me. Make me wanna scream. And this is our message to you. Just beat it.

Is it scary for you baby? You are not alone, for I am here with you. Ain’t no mountain that I can’t climb baby. All I wanna say is that they don’t really care about us. Now is the time for you and I to cuddle close together. I wanna rock with you all night. And if you really try, you’ll find there’s no need to cry. Nothing can come between us if you just hold my hand.

Yeah!