Will you forgive me?


“Please don’t get angry with me darling, but there’s something I should tell you about. You can stay over there.

“It all started about a minute ago, you put a tub of raspberries in front of me and then went to check on the baby. And I got to thinking, is it better to ask for permission or forgiveness.

“Because as I ate the raspberries I kept thinking that I should stop and save some for you. I think I should’ve done that. Because I didn’t do that. I ate all the raspberries.

“Am I sorry? No, those raspberries were delicious. But I am sorry for knowing I should save you some, and then not saving you some.

“Will you forgive me?”

“Yes, I bought two tubs anyway.”

An evil strategy?


I closed in for the kill. The queen was at my mercy, but no, I did not strike the knockout blow.

So, my students, why did I not strike when the chance arose?

I take it from your silence that you have no idea. The answer is quite simple. We are about destroying souls. In this moment I could’ve hurt one soul, but the overall outcome would’ve been very minimal.

Where as, by planting a time bomb that goes off later, I can destroy two souls and prevent an almighty witness of the enemy.

So class, you need to be aware of the more important fight. The current battle, or the ongoing war.

What’s the plan?


Okay everyone, this is the plan. We are all going to the movies, including you Frank. Lucy and I are going to buy the tickets, and I don’t want anyone ordering food.

We are going to drop Sarah and Shane off early so they can go shopping. And that means we’re taking three trips because Luke and Bailey want to play a board game.

Which means that in the second trip we’re taking Brian, Joanne, Lisa, Tim, Lucy and Rover… how did Rover get on the list? We are not bringing the dog.

Okay are we all happy with that?

Now, what movie do we want to see?

Do pumpkins roll?


“Well, I reckon do it in one hit.

“There are times to spread it out a bit, and people who do that get their thrill from other things. But for me it has to be one hit. I don’t like sneaking around. I like being bold and doing it out in the open. Of course there are laws against that, but that’s where my excitement comes from.

“I guess I’m rebellious like that. It’s so exhilarating when you chop off someone’s head in full view of everyone. Or, like a few weeks ago, when I hit someone with a tonne of bricks. You’ve gotta get a crane to do that, but it was great fun.

“I think I like those one hits that don’t immediately… Sorry what? Oh, I thought you meant killing people when you were talking. I didn’t know people took gardening that seriously.

“Well sorry, but you should plant them in one hit.”

Who’s your babysitter?


“Hello, and welcome back to the World Baby Sitting Championships, I’m Brad Anderson. We’ve seen some great baby sitting in this week long event. Samuel Johnson joins me, and Sam, what has been the higlight of the week for you?”

“Thanks Brad, the highlight for me has been a renewed trust in good baby sitting technique. I’ve seen a lot of these championships and too often I saw sloppy baby sitting. No awareness, no research, no commitment. It was hard to watch. But this championship I’ve seen competitors return to a serious, disicplined approach.”

“Thank you Sam. Now let’s have a look at how the finalists qualified for tonights final. Our favourite qualified with a record forty-seven kills from his fifty baby sittings.”

“Yes Brad, his technique is impecible. When he sits on the babies he’s careful to note how old they are, so you know how long you need to sit on them until they die. Which is a key skill to learn under the time pressure.”

“Agreed. Our second finalist qualified with a then record forty-five kills.”

“Another good example of technique here. He’s very aware of his butt positioning to kill the infant in the shortest amount of time and move on to the next sitting.”

“Indeed, our two finalists tonight. Great baby killers.”