Whenever I see the term X-mas I hate it. Not because I hate Christmas, but because it removes a very important part of Christmas.

X-mas removes me from Christmas. Me. I am awesome. I am one of the best things about Christmas. It says it right in the name, C-H-R-I-S-tmas. Christmas is all about me. And yet people want to remove me from Christmas. How dare they!

And why is Christmas all about me? Well, it’s got my name in it. But Christmas is the time of year when I rejoice because my Savior, Jesus Christ came down to Earth. That little baby went on to live a perfect life, die for me, be raised to life, and reconcile me. Me, he did it all for me.

But, he did exactly the same for everyone else. That includes you. Christ came to Earth to live a perfect life, die for everyone, be raised to life and reconcile everyone to the Father.

That’s C-H-R-I-S-T-mas.  For you. For me. For everyone.

I thought it was about time I analysed something. Cause people are always saying I should. Yeah, always.

So, I’m going to analyse something. I’m going to analyse one of my own statements. This is the statement that I will analyse: Mad cow disease is breaking out in cats. That sounds very reasonable to me, after all, I said it.

Let’s analyse from the beginning, the word ‘Mad’. To be mad is to have something wrong with the mind. As described in the Australian Oxford dictionary. But let’s look at it from a different angle, backwards it spells dam. A dam is a wall that is built to hold water back. Clearly more meaningful in this case.

Cow, or more well, known as beef, is another curious word which we must look at from a different angle. Turn it upside down and it becomes com. And that is simply an acronym for ‘Cut Out Men’.  COM is the committee for men cut out of cardboard. They meet once a month I think.

So in this case ‘Dam com’ clearly refers to the fact that cut out men have been building dams.

For the reason they are building these dams, we have to go to the end of the sentence. ‘Cats’. Cats are the enemy of Cut Out Men. The Cut Out Men are clearly building the dam to hold back cats. A dam will stop cats from breaking out. And breaking in. Because if they did break out or in, cats would cause the Cut Out Men to die from a disease known as ‘Staples’.

Quite simple really.

Tonight is the final of the FFA Cup, and it’s also the inspiring event for my first post about football.

Football is such an amazing, inclusive, world-wide sport. I love it. But way too often I am confronted by someone who knows nothing about football. That annoys me, I need to educate people about The World Game.

I’ll start by teaching you competition formats. I am forced to explain this to a lot of people, and I even tried explaining it to a dog once. That didn’t work, but I hope this simple explanation does.

There are three main types of competitions, League, Cup and Group to Knockout.

League competitions involve a set amount of teams each season, usually 10 to 20. Each team plays every other team at their home ground, and the opposing team’s home ground. In the English league they have 20 teams, meaning each team plays 38 games. To decide the winner they use a points system, a team gets three points for a win, one point for a draw and no points for a loss. The winner is the team with the most points.

Cup competitions can have unlimited teams enter. Over 100 teams enter the English FA Cup. But in Cup competitions if a team loses, they’re out. There are no points, the winner is the team that wins all their matches.

Group to Knockout competitions are a combination of the two formats above. They start with teams in groups of four. The four teams play each other and the points system is used to decide first, second, third and fourth. First and second move on to a knockout format which decides the winner. This was the format for the recent FIFA Wold Cup in Brazil, and for the upcoming Asian Cup in January.

Other competitions are a variation on these three formats. Like Australia’s A-League. But the FFA Cup is a Cup competition. So, I can say that I am confident that Sydney FC will not win the FFA Cup this year. The final is between Adelaide United and Perth Glory.

That guy just looked at the ceiling. And now I’m worried. Now I look at the ceiling. I just see the ceiling. It seems to be normal and sturdy. I have faith it will hold for the hour or so that I’m here. It’s all good.

But now I’m really worried… he just looked at the ceiling again. So I look again. Is that a crack? Is that a crack in the ceiling?!? Now I’m nervous. There’s a crack in the ceiling and this guy keeps looking at it!

This guy must be an engineer. He knows what’s up and what’s not staying up. He saw the crack. He knows that the ceiling is about to cave in on us all. But it can’t, I look up, surely not.

Now the guy is really close. He comes and sits next to me. He grins. It’s an evil grin. He knows! The ceiling is about to cave in and kill us both! He knows this and all he wants to do is sit next to me and watch me be crushed by the ceiling and die!

Now I feel really, really, really special. This random guy wants to spend his last moments with me. That’s pretty cool.