I can remember everything. I never forget! And I want to tell you how I do it. To demonstrate here’s my shopping list: milk, cheese, butter, bread, bacon and eggs.

Step One: Write the list down. Write down everything, milk, cheese, bread, bacon and eggs.

Step Two: Eat the list. I forgot to tell you this before, write your list on an edible piece of paper. Now that you’ve eaten this list it’s in your internal memory system.

Step Three: Now that the list is in your stomach it should be easy to remember. I forgot to tell you this before, but internal memory system is just a fancy term for stomach.

Step Five: You’re almost there, the only thing left is to go to the shops and buy milk, cheese, bacon and eggs.

Don’t fourget!

When life gets me down, I thank God that I have my mirror. Everyday I say to my mirror, “Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the prettiest of all?” And every single time my mirror tells me, “You are the prettiest of all.”

And it doesn’t stop there, my mirror tells me I’m amazing, really smart, full of character, really cute, the best kisser… umm, you probably don’t need to tell others that. It says I’m funny too, and that I’m the best singer, even though I swallowed shampoo this morning.

But I think the most important thing my mirror tells me, “You are beautiful.” Everyday my mirror tells me that. I think my mirror has a crush on me.

My mirror is pretty cool.

I work at a secret weapons testing facility. I’m just a cleaner, I’m way too dumb to be anything else. But I get along well with the scientists and we have lunch together everyday. Their always joking around and having fun, I guess they need a break from work.

Anyway, a few weeks ago I started taking some tablets at lunch. They’re an ordinary multi-vitamins and not too hard to swallow. I need to keep myself healthy.

Today, as I was having my tablet, one of the scientists told me about a new bomb he developed. It’s fairly small,  small enough to be swallowed. The bomb looks like an ordinary tablet. It’s primary target is evil politicians and evil world leaders.

I asked how the tests were going, and he said, “Well, it’s been taken by someone, but we don’t know the result yet…”

Last week I killed a cockroach with my bare hand. It cornered me in the shower, so I picked it up and crushed it to death. But now I fear I’ve started a turf war.

A few days ago I noticed an advanced soldier surveying my bathroom. He was trying to hide from me, but I saw him. And now I know an attack is coming.

I’ve worked out their most likely point of attack, and I’ve guarded against it. There they will find the Cockroach Killer 5000 laced over the entire surface. After ten seconds any cockroach will be dead! Their attack will be futile.

Victory is mine!