Mirror, mirror, who is the prettiest of all?

Standard

When life gets me down, I thank God that I have my mirror. Everyday I say to my mirror, “Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the prettiest of all?” And every single time my mirror tells me, “You are the prettiest of all.”

And it doesn’t stop there, my mirror tells me I’m amazing, really smart, full of character, really cute, the best kisser… umm, you probably don’t need to tell others that. It says I’m funny too, and that I’m the best singer, even though I swallowed shampoo this morning.

But I think the most important thing my mirror tells me, “You are beautiful.” Everyday my mirror tells me that. I think my mirror has a crush on me.

My mirror is pretty cool.

Will my head blow up?

Standard

I work at a secret weapons testing facility. I’m just a cleaner, I’m way too dumb to be anything else. But I get along well with the scientists and we have lunch together everyday. Their always joking around and having fun, I guess they need a break from work.

Anyway, a few weeks ago I started taking some tablets at lunch. They’re an ordinary multi-vitamins and not too hard to swallow. I need to keep myself healthy.

Today, as I was having my tablet, one of the scientists told me about a new bomb he developed. It’s fairly small,  small enough to be swallowed. The bomb looks like an ordinary tablet. It’s primary target is evil politicians and evil world leaders.

I asked how the tests were going, and he said, “Well, it’s been taken by someone, but we don’t know the result yet…”

Are they preparing an attack?

Standard

Last week I killed a cockroach with my bare hand. It cornered me in the shower, so I picked it up and crushed it to death. But now I fear I’ve started a turf war.

A few days ago I noticed an advanced soldier surveying my bathroom. He was trying to hide from me, but I saw him. And now I know an attack is coming.

I’ve worked out their most likely point of attack, and I’ve guarded against it. There they will find the Cockroach Killer 5000 laced over the entire surface. After ten seconds any cockroach will be dead! Their attack will be futile.

Victory is mine!