Are vampires just misunderstood?

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Last night I met a vampire. He didn’t want to suck my blood, he didn’t want to scare me, he just wanted to talk.

His name is Vladimir Jr the Third. He lives just down the street from me. He wears a cape and has dark black hair. But he’s lonely.

He lives in a single bedroom apartment by himself, his family were all killed in tragic circumstances 90 years ago. He wakes at dusk and goes to bed at dawn, which means he rarely sees other people. And he misses that.

He told me about when he lived in Scandinavia during winter when the sun hardly ever comes out. He loved it, he would chat to the baker in the morning, help the florist at lunchtime, and liaise with the town council in the afternoon.

These days he is just wasting away in the middle of the night, but he shouldn’t. He’s over 200 years old, has this amazing knowledge and wisdom, plus he’s read almost every book under the moon.

We’re going to meet up again tonight, I can’t wait!

Is this news?

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Millions DIE as race that stops the nation literally stops the nation

Millions of Australians are dead after the entire nation experienced cardiac arrest during the Melbourne Cup on Tuesday.

The first signs of tragedy were pictures from Flemington racecourse showing bodies covering the grounds emerging on Twitter.

Slowly details emerged of millions dead after everyone in Australia simultaneously suffered cardiac arrest.

Dylan Smith, a survivor, woke up amongst bodies in a local pub in Melbourne.

“When I woke up I had absolutely no idea what had happened. I saw bodies on the floor of the pub, and when I went outside the street was covered with bodies too,” Mr Smith said.

Leonard Haynes, another survivor and doctor was the first to examine the scene he saw when he woke up.

“I checked the pulse of people around me first with no luck,” Mr Haines said.

He recognised the signs of cardiac arrest, but with limited resources failed to save anyone.

“Once I found the club’s defibrillator I reckon most people would’ve been beyond saving, but I tried.”

Dubbed ‘The Race that Stops the Nation’, the Melbourne Cup is a horse race over two kilometres and generally takes about three and a half minutes to complete.

Fria Dune, a horse-racing enthusiast and survivor, was about to watch the race at Flemington when tragedy struck.

“I didn’t feel any chest pains. At the start of the race my heart just stopped. People around me started to collapse and then so did I.

“I think I blacked out for three or four minutes, so I can count myself as very lucky to be alive.”

Currently the total number of survivors stands at 296. Anyone with loved ones in Australia is urged to consider them dead.

Authorities from New Zealand were sent to Australia late on Tuesday to assess the situation.

Trick or treat?

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Darkness approached as John’s twin girls decided which house to visit last. They had visited houses around the neighbourhood collecting lollies and sweets of all kinds. Their final choice was a house with bodies all over the front lawn. The bodies had knives sticking out of them and realistic pools of blood around them, blood splatter marked the pavement leading to the house. This house took gruesome decorations to the next level.

Ruby and Violet knocked on the door. John knew the toddlers were enjoying their first trick or treating journey. They weren’t your typical toddlers, they might look innocent in their princess outfits, but John knew they loved the gore and horror of halloween.

A tall man wearing a black cape opened the door. He wore a black cape that draped around his entire body. He could be a magician or a vampire, the face tattoos and mohawk didn’t confirm either way, maybe he couldn’t decide. It wasn’t the best costume the girls had seen that evening.

“Trick or treat?” said Ruby and Violet in unison as they held out their overflowing bags of candy.

“I choose trick, and it’s a good one,” said the blood-thirsty magician as he waved his hands in front of the girls and a knife appeared. “Are you girls ready for it?”

“Only if it’s a good one,” said Violet.

“A really good one,” added Ruby.

“Alright then. Well I’m going to need an assistant,” said the blood-thirsty magician. “So let me present, all the way from my living room… Steve!”

A man wearing jeans and a t-shirt walked over to the doorway, clearly not thrilled to be there, but trying to put on a brave face for the girls.

“Ok girls, I’m gonna need a bit of room so come with me,” the blood-thirsty magician took the girl’s hands and lead them into the front yard, with John and Steve following.

“Are you prepared for something amazing?”

“Yes,” shouted the girls, filled with excitement.

The blood-thirsty magician waved his hand in front of the girls and the knife from before appeared. He showed the girls, and in one quick movement stabbed Steve in the chest.

Astonished, the girls stood in silence. John though, had worked it out. It was a trick knife with a disappearing blade.

For effect Steve gasped, but could only hold his laughter for a few seconds after seeing the girls astonishment.

Convinced the trick had worked, the blood-thirsty magician pulled away the trick knife and showed it to the girls. John was also eager to have a closer look as he knelt down next to his girls.

“Would you like a go?” said the blood-thirsty magician.

“Of course,” said the girls.

The blood-thirsty magician put the knife in his hand and draped his cape over it, then removed it to reveal two knifes, which he offered to the girls. They eagerly grabbed them, and the blood-thirsty magician lined them up to stab Steve, who was now lying off to the side of the path with his eyes closed.

“On the count of three, start stabbing,” said the blood-thirsty magician. “One, two, three!”

And with that the girls let fly, repeatedly stabbing Steve in the chest. But John noticed that this time was different, Steve was bleeding. And right then John realised what was happening. The blood-thirsty magician had switched the trick knife with real ones and John’s girls were now stabbing Steve to death. The bodies and blood around them were not fake. This had been done before.

The blood-thirsty magician chanted as the girls stabbed the victim ferociously. John quickly grabbed his girls and turned towards the blood-thirsty magician.

“What have you done?” John grabbed the knives from his girls as the blood-thirsty magician looked on with a grin on his face.

John held the two knifes. The blood-thirsty magician’s luck had run out, he had picked the wrong girls to trick.

John plunged the knives into Ruby and Violet’s skulls. Ruby and Violet didn’t feel a thing. In unison they advanced toward the blood-thirsty magician. They removed the knife embedded in their skulls and licked the blood-soaked blades.

The blood-thirsty magician wasn’t grinning anymore, it was John’s turn.

Would you put it in the top bins?

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The time was nearly upon him, and he still didn’t know the answer. He knew that if he chose the correct way it would lead him home. The turn was coming ever closer.

He had done this many, many a time before, but right now, after a fifteen year wait, the answer eluded him. How great his favourite cup would look in the hall.

Left or right? The question was simple, but never before had it been so difficult.

The time was now upon him, he strode in and buried the ball in the top right hand corner, the Cup was theirs.

Are you right handed?

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I woke up on the right side of the bed today.

I normally sleep and wake up on the left side of my bed. And when I got up I felt slightly off, as if things had changed overnight.

Something was different, but I didn’t know what until breakfast. Yesterday I was left handed, but today I poured my cereal with my right hand! I also poured my milk and ate my cereal with my right hand.

Just by waking up on the right side of the bed I became right handed!

I write right handed, I throw right handed, I kick right footed, I wink with my right eye, I part my hair to the right. I used to do all that on the left side of my body.

I even drive on the right side of the road now.

Am I happy we won?

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No. All this win does is mask Australia’s problems.

Three at the back: At first I was hopeful, I thought it would increase our versatility. But it hasn’t, and it hasn’t improved our defence or stamped our authority on games.

Wing-backs: The consequence of three at the back has been wing-backs, but they have to track all the way back. This limits our width in the attacking third, which is something we’ve needed recently.

Tim Cahill: He delivers. When Australia calls, he delivers. But why do we still need him to? And how much longer will he be able to?

I’m not happy, but I’m glad we progressed… by the width of a post.

Should I watch another episode?

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It’s 4AM, and that’s normal. Bedtime is anywhere from about 2AM – 7AM, sometimes I don’t even go to bed.

So, the reason I look at the time is to work out how much sleep I will get if I don’t watch the next episode and go to bed now.

The next episode is 22 minutes. So, I need to add that to work out how much sleep I will get if I do watch the next episode.

I’m watching a comedy. I will laugh and I don’t have to be alert for hidden clues like I do with the engaging crime drama I’m also watching.

Actually, watching another episode of murder mystery sounds good, but I’m not alert enough right now. Maybe I should sleep now and watch that in the mor…

Netflix decided for me. Maybe my thought process will be quicker after this episode.