Why are you holding a bomb?

Standard

I stood face to face with this unknown man holding a bomb. I stood five metres away, trying to look calm and collected as the morning rush of people brushed passed seemingly unaware.

“Why are you holding a bomb?” I asked, getting straight to the point.

“I’m not,” he said with a sly grin.

“Then why does it say, ‘BOMB’?” pointing to the device he held that said, ‘BOMB”.

“It doesn’t,” another sly grin appeared.

I walked up to him, took the device from him and inspected it. “That’s not a bomb, this is a bomb!” I said as I pulled out an actual bomb.

The man panicked, “Woah, where did that come from! I’m just seeing if people notice me. I’d never actually use a bomb.”

“Oh, okay. I just thought you might want to use my bomb instead. You’ve just got a balloon, where as my bomb creates an explosion fifty metres wide.”

“Sorry, just a balloon?” Then he poped his balloon and it exploded. So did our city.

Are you wearing different shoes?

Standard

Todd walked the big city streets in awe. He had never seen so many budings! And they all seemed to reach to the sky!

Todd liked looking up at the buildings, because every time he looked down he only noticed one thing… Everyone had matching shoes. And not just matching, but a left-footed shoe.

Todd looked down at his feet, he wore his older brother’s brown right-footed shoe on his left-foot, and his own black right-footed shoe on his right-foot.

Todd wondered if the people here knew about Old Man Wajistakum. He lived in Todd’s hometown and hated left-footed shoes. If he saw a left-footed shoe he’d start attacking it with an axe. Many people lost a foot that way. In the end people just stopped wearing left-footed shoes.

Now that Todd saw what left-footed shoes looked like, he thought Old Man Wajistakum was right. Left-footed shoes are weird! Todd was glad he bought an axe…

Is that comfortable?

Standard

Please take a seat, today you have a choice of three seats while you enjoy your refreshment.

The first is our pins and needles couch. Basically if you like blood oozing out of your butt, this couch is for you! The upholstery is so realistic that you’re not sure if its a couch, or bed of nails! It’s a normal couch otherwise.

The second devilish choice is the bean bag of razor sharp rocks! If you like skewered human you’ll love this! The graphic is a picture of the razor sharp rocks down at the beach that have sliced open many surfers. Otherwise it’s a normal bean bag.

And finally you can sit on the heavenly pineapple chair! We made this because we had too many pineapples, so we stacked them together, green bits up, added a pineapple back rest, and made a chair. It’s fantastic!

So, where are you going to sit?

 

Have you got a lighter?

Standard

Yes! Of course I can light you on fire. I thought someone might ask me that today, so I bought a petrol can with me.

But before I douse you with petrol, do you want to tell me why you want me to light you on fire? Personally, I admire you, burning to death is a blazing way to go.

But I sense there might be a better option. I reccomend ten hours of sleep every night, two litres of water, three pieces of fruit and seven vegetables everyday.

Try that for ten days and if you still want me to light you on fire after that then I will.

Where did the time go?

Standard

I just lost an hour of my time and I don’t know where it went.

I was reading a book and I looked at my phone to check the time. It was pretty late and I decided to go to bed after I finished the chapter.

Then I turned the page and saw the end of the chapter. So I read to that, put the book down and picked up my phone.

AN HOUR AND THREE MINUTES HAD PASSED!!! I only read a page and a half. How did it happen??? I’m sorry everyone, but I really don’t know…

Should I try to get it back before daylight comes!?.

Why is it called Fred’s Pass?

Standard

Fred walked up to the real estate agent, eager to inspect his new property. “Hello, I’m James, nice to meet you” Fred thrust out his hand and excitedly shook James’ hand.

“Hi, I’m Fred. Can’t wait to see what I bought. My arch-enemy wanted to buy it too, but I did!”

“Fred? Your name is Fred?” asked the agent.

“Has been all my life.”

“Oh, well I’m sure it’s nothing.”

“Sure what’s nothing?”

“The legend around this place,” Fred didn’t stop James, so he continued. “They say that back in the days of the early settlers, this place caused a number of mysterious deaths. There were a few cases of scurvy, a couple of hypothermia deaths, a few falling leaves and one avalanche.”

Fred looked around confused, while the agent continued, “Yes exactly, no mountains in sight in this inland tropical climate. But that’s not all. Every single person who died was named Fred. And that’s why it has the name Fred’s Pass…”

How do I say goodbye?

Standard

Jarred walked into the room and closed the door behind him. The constant beep and buzz of machines filled the hospital room as a motionless body lay clinging to life.

“I don’t know how to start or what to say,” began Jarred, “I don’t even know if you can hear me, the doctors say no. They say every breath could be your last, and I don’t want to believe them. I really don’t, but all these machines tell me I should.

“With all that I can I’ve asked God to give me more time with you. I reckon my cries are louder than yours ever were. And God only ever says two things back, “Be thankful,” and “I’ll take care of him. ”

“So that’s it, you’re going home and I’m thankful for the days I got. And I’ll always look forward to the day when I can get to know you when I go home too. Until then my dear, precious, wonderful, amazing, beautiful, newborn son…

“Goodbye.”