Do you want my sandwitch?

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I made a sandwitch today, do you want half?

I woke up this morning and decided it was time for a sandwitch. I looked in the fridge and found two pieces of bread. Next I took the butter out of the fridge and spread it thinly on each slice.

After I put the butter away, I picked up a bag and broom from the cupboard and flew to the beach. When I got there two hours later I was hungry, so I ate a stray dog. Once I finished him off, I quickly filled my bag with sand and returned home to add it to my sandwitch.

After putting the extra sand away for another sandwitch I grabbed my wand, and soon my left hand was sitting on my sandwitch. I put the other piece of bread on top and cut my sandwitch in half (which isn’t easy one handed).

I ate my half and now I’m looking for someone with a strong left-hand to eat the other half. Well, they’ll have a left-hand when they eat the sandwitch.

If you could be any food, what would you be?

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That, my friend, is quite a question.

Would I want to be a food that’s never eaten, like brussels sprouts. I could live out a very nice life, grow up, meet a nice sproutette, get married, have some kids, grow old together and die in peace.

Or maybe I’d be a food that is brutally murdered and eaten. Feel the anguish of literally becoming mince meat. And if I somehow survived that, experiencing the journey through the human digestive system and coming out the other end.

Or I could be an animal, because they’re technically food. Like salmon, or kangaroo, or lamb. And maybe I don’t even have to be eaten by humans, like a penguin, they’re eaten by leopard seals and sharks. Maybe I could actually be a human, we’re dinosaur food, or human food, if you’re into that.

Or maybe I’d be poisonous. Like a berry that kills you a moment after you eat it. I would just laugh in your mouth as you chew me up, knowing that I was releasing the very poisons that will kill you in seconds.

The possibilities are endless.

Isn’t it obvious?

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Let me explain it to you again.

Bill, my friend of seven years, lies face down in the sand on the beach. He was found just after sunrise as the tide headed out. His clothes and hair were wet.

There were five stab wounds to his stomach. His wrists were bound together and a rope was tied around his ankles, and the other end was frayed.

His wallet is gone, and he was a billionaire businessman at 27. He had no wife, very few friends and all his assets went to his best friend in university who gave him the business idea in the first place.

And yet you, a detective, say Bill’s death was caused by a serial killing vampire?

Are you kidnapping me?

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It’s no problem, it’s just this is the first time someone’s kidnapped me, so I’m a bit nervous.

I noticed you didn’t bring a bag with you. I can race back inside and get one for you. I’ve also got some duct tape lying around and a few zip-ties. I’ll just be a second.

You don’t seem very prepared for this kidnapping. I was expecting to be taken by surprise, chucked in a car, that sort of thing, but you just rang the doorbell.

Sorry guys, this is the first time I’ve been kidnapped and I wanted it to be perfect. Or at least like I imagined. This is kind of disappointing, I hope the torture makes up for it. You are going to torture me, right?

Can I berry you?

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This is a loaded question, and I feel I need to explain it to avoid confusion.

First, you need to check the spelling of berry, it’s very important. Never say “Yes” unless you know they’re spelling it b-e-r-r-y, not b-u-r-y, otherwise you could be headed to the bottom of a pit.

Once you’ve checked the spelling of berry, the question is simple. It has three possible meanings:

1: The person asking to berry you is asking if they can give you a berry. This is the most common meaning of the question, and it’s generally asked when you aren’t eating a berry.

2: The person asking to berry you is asking if they can throw berries at you so you can catch them in your mouth. This is usually done with blueberries, a berry small enough to catch in your mouth, but still solid enough to maintain a smooth trajectory when thrown.

3: The final meaning of this question is less well known. This time the person asking to berry you is asking if they can treat you like a berry. This involves chopping you up and juicing you in order to make a delicious berry smoothie.

Why am I still standing here?

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This is kind of embarrassing… but I stepped in concrete.

I was walking home from the shops when I saw the wet concrete sign. I stepped off the footpath and continued walking next to the fence, but there was a dog. The dog startled me and I stepped backwards… right into the concrete.

You don’t need to worry, I could be here overnight though. I got stuck a few hours ago when the workers weren’t around. They’re still not back yet, I think they knocked off early.

There’s also a chance you’ll see me on the news tonight, a camera crew just pulled up. See, I’m not the only one stuck here. There’s four, make that five others stuck here with me. I’m starting to think the dog planned it all along.

Did it want a shower too?

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I just had a shower with a cockroach, it was terrifying!

All was fine when I got into the shower, but shortly after I turned on the water the cockroach appeared. It crawled up the wall right next to me. Now, I’m of the opinion that if you leave cockroaches alone they won’t bother you, I was wrong…

About half way up the wall the cockroach turned evil. It jumped off the wall! I was watching it, it didn’t slip, it jumped! And I freaked! Instinctively I jumped and tried to land well away from the menacing cockroach.

From then on I didn’t take my eye of the cockroach. It decided to make itself at home behind my shampoo. I didn’t need to wash my hair anyway.

If the cockroach stayed there I could finish my shower. But I still needed to wash my body and my body wash was right next to my shampoo.

Carefully I reached out and grabbed my body wash. When I finished there was no way I was going to put it down anywhere near the cockroach, it went on the floor, well away from the shampoo.

When I turned the water off the cockroach popped its head out, and I was out of there.

It was the scariest experience of my day at least.