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GOTTA CATCH ‘EM ALL

I caught a Pidgey on the toilet today. I never play Pokemon Go on the toilet, but the app was on and the Pidge was there. It was looking at me. It wasn’t weird.

I find that my days are happily filled with my phone out ready to catch the next Rattata or Oddish or Kangaskhan, if it ever shows up. I like to do this by myself or while someone is blah blah blahing at me about something or other.

Has Pokemon Go made me an uncaring, unlistening jerk? The answer is obviously no.

I think the onus is on the people trying to blah at me, they should pick their blah time better.

A perfect time is when I’m trying to grind up Pidgey to turn into candies so I can level up, or when my battery is five per cent or lower and Pokemon Go shuts down. Then I have no choice but to listen to their blah.

So in conclusion, I need a better battery.

As I hang off the edge of this cliff, my mind flashbacks to the terrible events leading to my imminent death.

It all started that morning when I got out of bed. It seemed just like every other day. I ate cereal for breakfast, fed my dog, got dressed, put the lead on my dog, opened the door and started our daily walk.

Samson is my five year old Golden Retriever. He and I are inseparable. He was a gift from my fiancee five years ago, and for seven months it’s just been us. I know Samson misses her just as much as I do. It was the worst day of our lives when we heard of Mary’s accident. I wish I knew what Samson felt. Maybe then we could talk with each other about Mary, instead Samson just listens while I cry on the stairs. Samson is the only thing I have in this world, and our morning walks keep us going… just.

Today I decided to take Samson to the cliffs. I don’t why I decided to come to the cliffs today, usually we go to the park. But the cliffs were Mary’s favourite spot, and I always feel like she’s right next to me again when I come here. It’s a special spot for us. I proposed here. That afternoon we had a picnic out here and I proposed as we watched the sunset. She said yes. That was six years ago, and since then we returned with Samson almost every weekend. Mary loved watching Samson chase the seagulls as they came for our chips.

There are seagulls here today, I can still hear them flying around me. Earlier Samson was chasing them even though he never caught one. I let him chase to his hearts content. That cheered me up a little, but soon I thought of Mary and tears came to my eyes. Samson didn’t notice that I was in tears, just like he didn’t notice the edge of the cliff. It all happened so quickly, Samson fell and I raced over. Amazingly he landed on a ledge a metre below the edge. He stood still in terror. Without thinking I lowered myself onto the ledge. But it couldn’t take my weight. The ledge collapsed. I grabbed hold of the cliff edge, but Samson had no chance. The complete terror in his bark as he fell to his death is the most horrific thing I’ve heard in my life.

And that brings me here, hanging off this cliff knowing that Mary and Samson are gone. Right now both of them are up there, and all I can do is let go and fall into their arms…

Really? You want to borrow my special, one of a kind, signed by Pele, number ten shirt, worn by the Brazilian himself in the 1970 World Cup Final against Italy?

It’s beautifully framed in the finest timber, covered with bullet proof glass in a room that is climate controlled so that the shirt is always comfortable.

The security is second to none. You can see two armed guards standing beside the shirt. I have another two guards watching security footage. The alarm system never fails and only I know the code.

And your time is up, I can’t have anyone looking at it for too long, otherwise they might think they can borrow it.

Wait, your lips are moving. I honestly didn’t notice, I’m just loving this song. It’s definitely one of my favourites and it sounds amazing on my new sound system.

What was that? If you’re talking to me you need to speak up, it’s very hard to hear you over Skillet. Actually, you really shouldn’t even try talking over Skillet.

Sorry, I can see you’re still trying to talk. This song is just about over, I can turn it off. Just a little longer… finished.

Now you can talk.

I propose a new law for retailers, if they sell a product that claims to glow in the dark, they must turn off the lights to test the product.

My proposal comes from a recent shopping trip. I found a ball, and written on it was ‘GLOWS IN THE DARK’. Now a ball that glows in the dark is very useful, especially for people who refuse to stop playing despite the darkness.

I soon found a shop assistant and requested that she turns the lights off so I can test the claim of this ball.

She said she couldn’t. I didn’t buy it. But I still wonder if the ball does really glow in the dark?