Would you like a hand?


I’m often asked if I want a hand, and to be honest I already have two, so I don’t require another, but…

I do wanna see you rip or cut off your own hand and give it to me. I feel it would be a fitting gesture, since you did just offer it to me, but…

If for some reason you think it’s unwise to rip or cut off your own hand I would suggest that you don’t offer me a hand in the first place. However, because I already have two hands I will honour your wish for your hand to remain attached, but…

Sooner or later someone will ask me that question and I will ignite my lightsaber and remove their hand before continuing along my way. After all, they did just offer.

Where do I get one?


I want to get a beard, they look good. But I don’t want a beard that looks good, I want a beard that looks amazing!

Beards are pretty normal, I’ve seen quite a few recently. Some have been well kept, while others have just been rough and ragged. Both look alright, but they’re really not my style.

I want to dye my beard. I want my beard to look like I’ve been eating human flesh and blood is all over my beard. That seems like an amazing beard to me.

Of course the problem is that I don’t know where to get a beard. The shops don’t sell real ones, and the real ones are non-transferable for some reason. It’s strange, but when I do find a real one I’ll dye it blood red.

Where are the tomatoes?


I often go to the shops. My favourite things are squishy hand-sized objects, fruit, vegetables, muffins and chocolate, those sort of things. I like them most because all I want to do is throw them at someone.

I wanna start a food fight.

When it comes to ammunition a supermarket is the best place. Bananas, tomatoes, apples, pears, potatoes, grapes, peaches, avocados, lemons, mushrooms. Pretty much anything you find is worth throwing at someone.

The shelves and boxes containing ammunition will provide good cover. And the space won’t be too big, meaning clean-up will be easy. Especially if we make all the used ammunition into a juice.

We’ll call it Deadly Juice.