Today I had a knock on my door… If I’d written what happened next it would have gone like this…

As I opened the door darkness fell. Standing outside were two old ladies dressed in black from head to toe. They both carried broomsticks, although I doubt they were ever used for cleaning. Over their shoulders they had bags full of lollies and candy. And they carried the latest issue of WitchTower magazine.

“Hello,” they said in unison. “How are you?”
“I wish I were better.” I replied honestly, unaware that I had just fallen straight into their trap.
“Is that so,” said the shorter brunette.
“Would you like a cookie?” added the redhead.

The cookie was sweet, with a hint of pineapple. I had trouble working out whether there were bits of pineapple in the cookie or just simply pineapple juice, either way it worked.

“Darling, today we would like to offer you a free copy of this month’s WitchTower magazine,” said the redhead as she presented the magazine.
“Have you experienced a recent loss,” probed the brunette. “A loved one, a close friend, a family member?”

As I finished my cookie I knew that they had come at exactly the right time. Five minutes earlier I ran out of food. As I pondered my situation I knew what I had to do.

“Can I have another cookie?”
“Of course child,” said the redhead as she handed me another cookie before the brunette continued.
“We specialize in contacting the dead and buried. This magazine is death themed, it tells you how to speak to the dead and recall them to a second body. Would you like a copy?”
“Yes, they’re wonderful,” I said, completely enchanted.
The brunette handed me a  WitchTower magazine.
“What’s this?” I asked.
“The latest issue of WitchTower magazine,” said the brunette.
“No, you asked if I wanted another cookie. Which I do.”
“What about the magazine?”
“Nope, just more cookies”
“We only have five more,” stated the redhead.
“That’s ok, I’ll survive with five.” As the redhead gave me the remaining cookies I realised that they wouldn’t last long. “Can you bring some more back tomorrow?”

I have been told I should write a book! A book! A whole book! A book is long! I can barely finish a cup of tea without thinking, “Why am I drinking a cup of tea?”

I get distracted easily. To write a whole book would take ages! I can’t concentrate for that long! I think the longest I can concentrate for would be 90 minutes, the length of a football match. But if it goes into extra time I would concentrate for the extra half hour, and the shootout if it went to penalties.

But a book would take longer than 90 minutes to write! It’s a book! A long, long, long book. It’s like a ruler, you know, those ten centimetre ones. Think of that like a news article or a blog post, maybe a long one might be a 15-30 centimetre one. Than a newsletter is a metre ruler. But a book is like a 100 metre measuring tape they use to measure how far you can throw a javelin. It’s really, really, really long!

Now the only question is… what to write the book about?

No. This is not a post. I’m sorry guys but I simply don’t feel up to writing and posting on ‘Wait! What? Sorry.’ tonight.

The reason is I’m injured, a few days ago I lost my hands. At night I remove my hands and put them on ice to relax for the night. They sit in an esky beside my bed while I sleep.

A few days ago I woke up and couldn’t find my hands in my esky. So I went looking for them in all the usual places, behind the couch, under the bed, the dog’s stomach, the fridge and the roof. But I couldn’t find them anywhere.

Without my hands I can’t type. It’s taken my nose seven hours to type this, and I’m not done yet.

So unfortunately I can’t post tonight. Also if you find my hands can you please send them to me.

My music collection is legendary. I love my tunes and currently have over 350 compact discs. My collection ranges from instrumental hymns to ‘Weird Al’ Yankovic, with Jeremy Camp, Michael Jackson and Skillet in between.

My problem though is always deciding what to listen to. Generally picking the song my ears want to listen to is the most stressful part of my day.

My current method of decision making only works 80 per cent of the time, but I’ll share it with you anyway.

The first question I ask myself is “What mood are you in?” Once I answer that question, which generally isn’t hard, I deal with artists. I select an artist that matches my mood, from there it’s just selecting a song.

If I feel like dancing I know Michael Jackson is the artist I want. Right now I want to hear a lovely acoustic guitar…

Jars of Clay – Love Song for a Saviour