Have you got a lighter?


Yes! Of course I can light you on fire. I thought someone might ask me that today, so I bought a petrol can with me.

But before I douse you with petrol, do you want to tell me why you want me to light you on fire? Personally, I admire you, burning to death is a blazing way to go.

But I sense there might be a better option. I reccomend ten hours of sleep every night, two litres of water, three pieces of fruit and seven vegetables everyday.

Try that for ten days and if you still want me to light you on fire after that then I will.

Where did the time go?


I just lost an hour of my time and I don’t know where it went.

I was reading a book and I looked at my phone to check the time. It was pretty late and I decided to go to bed after I finished the chapter.

Then I turned the page and saw the end of the chapter. So I read to that, put the book down and picked up my phone.

AN HOUR AND THREE MINUTES HAD PASSED!!! I only read a page and a half. How did it happen??? I’m sorry everyone, but I really don’t know…

Should I try to get it back before daylight comes!?.

Why is it called Fred’s Pass?


Fred walked up to the real estate agent, eager to inspect his new property. “Hello, I’m James, nice to meet you” Fred thrust out his hand and excitedly shook James’ hand.

“Hi, I’m Fred. Can’t wait to see what I bought. My arch-enemy wanted to buy it too, but I did!”

“Fred? Your name is Fred?” asked the agent.

“Has been all my life.”

“Oh, well I’m sure it’s nothing.”

“Sure what’s nothing?”

“The legend around this place,” Fred didn’t stop James, so he continued. “They say that back in the days of the early settlers, this place caused a number of mysterious deaths. There were a few cases of scurvy, a couple of hypothermia deaths, a few falling leaves and one avalanche.”

Fred looked around confused, while the agent continued, “Yes exactly, no mountains in sight in this inland tropical climate. But that’s not all. Every single person who died was named Fred. And that’s why it has the name Fred’s Pass…”

How do I say goodbye?


Jarred walked into the room and closed the door behind him. The constant beep and buzz of machines filled the hospital room as a motionless body lay clinging to life.

“I don’t know how to start or what to say,” began Jarred, “I don’t even know if you can hear me, the doctors say no. They say every breath could be your last, and I don’t want to believe them. I really don’t, but all these machines tell me I should.

“With all that I can I’ve asked God to give me more time with you. I reckon my cries are louder than yours ever were. And God only ever says two things back, “Be thankful,” and “I’ll take care of him. ”

“So that’s it, you’re going home and I’m thankful for the days I got. And I’ll always look forward to the day when I can get to know you when I go home too. Until then my dear, precious, wonderful, amazing, beautiful, newborn son…