How’s the weather?


Hello and welcome back to the Awkward Small Talk Championship. For those just joining us we’ve reached the final six competitors. And the final match is about two minutes away. Now, Michael, how do you see the final playing out?

Well James, it’s very difficult to call, because each of our six competitors have vastly different styles. We have Shangle with his cringe worthy pick-up lines. And then Thess has been playing the language card all day. So, it’ll be a very interesting final.

Indeed, now before the competitors make their way out I wanted to get your thoughts on Garv. Now, his awkward weather talk is the best going around, but it’s been a long day and the weather hasn’t changed. Is he going to get tired talking about weather?

Not likely James. Garv is a real professional, long days and unchanging weather won’t bother him one bit. Garv has such a good knowledge of weather that he can see the subtle changes that others can’t. And he is an expert at using that information to continue awkward conversations.

Thanks for the insight there Michael. Now, I also wanted to get your opinion on the wildcard, Leaf. We don’t know anything about him and he doesn’t appear to have any particular tactic. Loookka has his bad magic, and Janice specialises in female hygiene, but Leaf just seems to be awkward.

You’re right there James. Leaf just seems to have that awkward talent that all the other competitors have worked for years getting just right. He always seems to say the right thing, and he is amazing at applying the right amount of visual awkwardness to each situation. It looks like he isn’t even trying.

Thanks for that James. Our competitors have arrived in the arena, so we’ll cross to our commentators for the final of the Awkward Small Talk Championship.

How do I find the statue?


Ok it’s really simple. Go down this road, past the building that looks like a kangaroo vomiting, take the right two streets after the kangaroo vomiting, then take the next left. That’ll take you on to the highway, but what you need to do is a U-turn, because you want to head north on the highway, and from the entrance you can only head south. Once you’ve done a U-turn look out for the sheepish wombat building and take that exit. Make sure you take a left as soon as you exit the highway, and then look out for the building shaped like a foot. Go under that and turn left, then turn right and pass the tree that looks like a tree, then turn right, and you’ll see the statue of a statue that looks nothing like a statue. Too easy.

How long will this take?


Startled, he awoke. A black hood covered his face. His hands and feet were tied together. His tongue was gagged and a noose condensed his neck.

Any movement made the noose tighter, and the steel around his hands and feet was more likely to cut off his hands than break. Instead he focused his mind and searched for the answer. He sifted through memories, but struggled to get past a feeling stronger than déjà vu. Finally a clue surfaced, the memory showed him showered in bullets, and a second memory showed him collapsing in poisonous gas.

He didn’t like his answer, but there was nothing else to do but wait, he wasn’t going to be the first to snap. Resisting the urge to struggle he drifted off to death… again.

How old am I?


So, you know that age, it’s after your birth and before you die, I really don’t know what age it is. But, it’s when you forget how old you are.

You know, your growing up, and kids never forget how old they are. It’s like the first thing everyone wants to know. I wonder if they ever get frustrated with anyone. Like, your the hundredth person to ask me that today! I should just wear a sign!

Anyway, growing up you know how old you are, but at some point you realise age is just a number and lose the will to count. And then a few birthdays go by without anyone telling you how old you are and BOOM! You’ve forgotten how old you are.

Now, normally it’s fine, but I was at the doctors the other day. I filled out this document and next to age I put: I don’t know. And next to Date of Birth I put: 1884. Anyway, so I get in to the doctor and he says according to my Date of Birth I was over 130. I was like cool, I’m probably a vampire right. Well, according to the doctor it’s impossible to be a vampire, I can tell you who’s blood I wanted next.