“I was passing by little Tim yesterday and he asked me to buy him a hat. I didn’t know he wore a hat.”

“Strange, I passed little Tim a few days ago and he asked me to buy him a shirt. I didn’t know he wore a shirt.”

“Very strange indeed. I passed little Tim a week ago and he asked me to buy him some shoes. I didn’t know he wore shoes.”

“I think you’ll find this even stranger. I passed little Tim a fortnight ago and he asked me to buy him some pants. How strange is that? Little Tim, in pants!”

“Well, when I saw little Tim a few minutes ago he asked me to buy him a belt. Does anyone even know what a belt is? Little Tim is so strange…”

Hey mate, I’m in a bit of a situation. I’ve been crushed by a blueberry.

Can you please come and help me. I’ve called some others and they all couldn’t help, but I hope you can, you’re just sitting there.

And here’s the other thing, I know you’re not stupid. You’ve read one of these before. You probably think that soon it will all be revealed that I’m actually an ant. But no, instead I’m breaking the fourth wall and talking directly to you.

So, now that I have your attention, let me tell you about this blueberry. Basically, it’s blue and it might be the size of my thumb.

And now your thinking, “Well, there’s no way that can crush a human being.” And you’d be right! Except I don’t have any thumbs! I never have.

And maybe if I did have thumbs they’d be the size of this blue house.

My child, are you ready for bed?

Have you put on your pyjamas? Gone to the toilet and brushed your teeth? Have you said your prayers, read The Word and thanked the Lord above for tomorrow?

Have you sung a song as loud as you can? Conquered your fear of the monster under the bed? Planned out your day tomorrow? Checked to make sure your alarm works, as many times as you like?

Have you gotten out of bed to get a drink? Or gotten out of bed to go to the toilet? Have you eaten a healthy midnight snack? And also snuck out to eat an unhealty 2am snack?

And finally, have you looked at the time? Because it’s 4am and your alarms sound in two hours.

Yes, I am decieving you. I’m hidden so deep that you don’t even know it.

I’m every single thought in your head, every reach of your hand, every gaze of your eyes. Basically your under my control. If I say touch this or look at that, you do it. Your mind is a palace, full of the most amazing things. So why stop there? Let’s get it all.

I love the world, full of so much stuff. But really your emotions make it so fun. I can’t wait for the next image of lust, the next idol of greed or the next object of coveting. It’s so easy to manipulate you.

But don’t you see you blind bufoon? That’s all a lie. You’re hard to manipulate. You’re so stong willed, so disciplined with your emotions and so aware of me at every turn. You’re very good, I applaud you…