Will you come in?

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It was the light that attracted me. I had never seen it before, and yet, I knew it was good the moment I saw it.

I wasn’t even sure where it came from at first, but I kept searching until I found a house at the end of the street. Why was this house the only one with the lights on?

As I approached I saw there was no door, instead there was a wall of liquid where the door shoul’ve been. And in the light I worked out it was blood. Was everyone inside covered by this blood?

“Come in.” said a voice from inside. The voice was smooth, calm and deep. I felt safe, so I trusted him and stepped through the blood. Who was this voice?

Inside was pure white, even the blood I brought in with me vanished. But there was no one inside, and the lights weren’t even on. The building itself was shining from the inside out. As I stood in awe, I heard footsteps behind me…

Done?

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“You didn’t remember it!” shouted Andy.

“Of course I did!” replied an out of breath Stanley.

“Well then where is it!?.”

“In my pocket!”

“No, not the matches, the bomb!”

“Oh yeah…” Stanley thought for a moment, “Well I like explosions!”

“But we haven’t got the dimonds!” As Andy finished his sentece the whole museum exploded. Andy and Stanley took cover, only emerging when it started raining diamonds.

“Are we done here?”

Why does sleep have to end?

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As he lies asleep I always like to keep watch and prepared, waiting for the best moment to attack.

Sometimes I’ll attack while he’s deep in sleep. They’re the best I think, because I can see that after my attack he stumbles awake… literally. It’s great fun to watch and means a job well done.

Although I have noticed lately that not attacking is also quite fun. He doesn”t wake up tired, but he wakes up angry and in a rush, I laughed when he put his shirt on backwards after I did this.

The thing with this sort of attack is you’ve got to time it well… but you’re alarm clocks. So that shouldn’t be a problem.

Does little Tim need a hat?

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“I was passing by little Tim yesterday and he asked me to buy him a hat. I didn’t know he wore a hat.”

“Strange, I passed little Tim a few days ago and he asked me to buy him a shirt. I didn’t know he wore a shirt.”

“Very strange indeed. I passed little Tim a week ago and he asked me to buy him some shoes. I didn’t know he wore shoes.”

“I think you’ll find this even stranger. I passed little Tim a fortnight ago and he asked me to buy him some pants. How strange is that? Little Tim, in pants!”

“Well, when I saw little Tim a few minutes ago he asked me to buy him a belt. Does anyone even know what a belt is? Little Tim is so strange…”

Are you coming to help me?

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Hey mate, I’m in a bit of a situation. I’ve been crushed by a blueberry.

Can you please come and help me. I’ve called some others and they all couldn’t help, but I hope you can, you’re just sitting there.

And here’s the other thing, I know you’re not stupid. You’ve read one of these before. You probably think that soon it will all be revealed that I’m actually an ant. But no, instead I’m breaking the fourth wall and talking directly to you.

So, now that I have your attention, let me tell you about this blueberry. Basically, it’s blue and it might be the size of my thumb.

And now your thinking, “Well, there’s no way that can crush a human being.” And you’d be right! Except I don’t have any thumbs! I never have.

And maybe if I did have thumbs they’d be the size of this blue house.

Are you ready for bed?

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My child, are you ready for bed?

Have you put on your pyjamas? Gone to the toilet and brushed your teeth? Have you said your prayers, read The Word and thanked the Lord above for tomorrow?

Have you sung a song as loud as you can? Conquered your fear of the monster under the bed? Planned out your day tomorrow? Checked to make sure your alarm works, as many times as you like?

Have you gotten out of bed to get a drink? Or gotten out of bed to go to the toilet? Have you eaten a healthy midnight snack? And also snuck out to eat an unhealty 2am snack?

And finally, have you looked at the time? Because it’s 4am and your alarms sound in two hours.

Am I decieving you?

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Yes, I am decieving you. I’m hidden so deep that you don’t even know it.

I’m every single thought in your head, every reach of your hand, every gaze of your eyes. Basically your under my control. If I say touch this or look at that, you do it. Your mind is a palace, full of the most amazing things. So why stop there? Let’s get it all.

I love the world, full of so much stuff. But really your emotions make it so fun. I can’t wait for the next image of lust, the next idol of greed or the next object of coveting. It’s so easy to manipulate you.

But don’t you see you blind bufoon? That’s all a lie. You’re hard to manipulate. You’re so stong willed, so disciplined with your emotions and so aware of me at every turn. You’re very good, I applaud you…