Are you coming to help me?

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Hey mate, I’m in a bit of a situation. I’ve been crushed by a blueberry.

Can you please come and help me. I’ve called some others and they all couldn’t help, but I hope you can, you’re just sitting there.

And here’s the other thing, I know you’re not stupid. You’ve read one of these before. You probably think that soon it will all be revealed that I’m actually an ant. But no, instead I’m breaking the fourth wall and talking directly to you.

So, now that I have your attention, let me tell you about this blueberry. Basically, it’s blue and it might be the size of my thumb.

And now your thinking, “Well, there’s no way that can crush a human being.” And you’d be right! Except I don’t have any thumbs! I never have.

And maybe if I did have thumbs they’d be the size of this blue house.

Are you ready for bed?

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My child, are you ready for bed?

Have you put on your pyjamas? Gone to the toilet and brushed your teeth? Have you said your prayers, read The Word and thanked the Lord above for tomorrow?

Have you sung a song as loud as you can? Conquered your fear of the monster under the bed? Planned out your day tomorrow? Checked to make sure your alarm works, as many times as you like?

Have you gotten out of bed to get a drink? Or gotten out of bed to go to the toilet? Have you eaten a healthy midnight snack? And also snuck out to eat an unhealty 2am snack?

And finally, have you looked at the time? Because it’s 4am and your alarms sound in two hours.

Am I decieving you?

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Yes, I am decieving you. I’m hidden so deep that you don’t even know it.

I’m every single thought in your head, every reach of your hand, every gaze of your eyes. Basically your under my control. If I say touch this or look at that, you do it. Your mind is a palace, full of the most amazing things. So why stop there? Let’s get it all.

I love the world, full of so much stuff. But really your emotions make it so fun. I can’t wait for the next image of lust, the next idol of greed or the next object of coveting. It’s so easy to manipulate you.

But don’t you see you blind bufoon? That’s all a lie. You’re hard to manipulate. You’re so stong willed, so disciplined with your emotions and so aware of me at every turn. You’re very good, I applaud you…

Will you forgive me?

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“Please don’t get angry with me darling, but there’s something I should tell you about. You can stay over there.

“It all started about a minute ago, you put a tub of raspberries in front of me and then went to check on the baby. And I got to thinking, is it better to ask for permission or forgiveness.

“Because as I ate the raspberries I kept thinking that I should stop and save some for you. I think I should’ve done that. Because I didn’t do that. I ate all the raspberries.

“Am I sorry? No, those raspberries were delicious. But I am sorry for knowing I should save you some, and then not saving you some.

“Will you forgive me?”

“Yes, I bought two tubs anyway.”

An evil strategy?

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I closed in for the kill. The queen was at my mercy, but no, I did not strike the knockout blow.

So, my students, why did I not strike when the chance arose?

I take it from your silence that you have no idea. The answer is quite simple. We are about destroying souls. In this moment I could’ve hurt one soul, but the overall outcome would’ve been very minimal.

Where as, by planting a time bomb that goes off later, I can destroy two souls and prevent an almighty witness of the enemy.

So class, you need to be aware of the more important fight. The current battle, or the ongoing war.

What’s the plan?

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Okay everyone, this is the plan. We are all going to the movies, including you Frank. Lucy and I are going to buy the tickets, and I don’t want anyone ordering food.

We are going to drop Sarah and Shane off early so they can go shopping. And that means we’re taking three trips because Luke and Bailey want to play a board game.

Which means that in the second trip we’re taking Brian, Joanne, Lisa, Tim, Lucy and Rover… how did Rover get on the list? We are not bringing the dog.

Okay are we all happy with that?

Now, what movie do we want to see?

Do pumpkins roll?

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“Well, I reckon do it in one hit.

“There are times to spread it out a bit, and people who do that get their thrill from other things. But for me it has to be one hit. I don’t like sneaking around. I like being bold and doing it out in the open. Of course there are laws against that, but that’s where my excitement comes from.

“I guess I’m rebellious like that. It’s so exhilarating when you chop off someone’s head in full view of everyone. Or, like a few weeks ago, when I hit someone with a tonne of bricks. You’ve gotta get a crane to do that, but it was great fun.

“I think I like those one hits that don’t immediately… Sorry what? Oh, I thought you meant killing people when you were talking. I didn’t know people took gardening that seriously.

“Well sorry, but you should plant them in one hit.”