Where are you?

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I’m here in the dark, but I’m still seeking you.

I long to find you. I don’t like the thought of you out there alone. I remember what it was like when you were here, the smile on your face, the constant conversation, the care we shared.

But now I don’t know where you are. I’m searching for you in the dark and I’ll keep searching until I find you. Because I remember our connection, the time we spent together, time I wish didn’t end.

When will I see your light again? When will I find you?

Can I?

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“In this museum there are three rules to follow. Don’t handle! Don’t taste! And don’t touch! I have no idea why the taste one is really there, but I’ve heard rumours.

“Obey these rules and you’ll enjoy your visit to the Museum of Unique Objects. But if you don’t you’ll get a visit from Mr Wait! Mr What? And Mr Sorry. And usually I don’t say this, but you look like a particularly evil bunch of toddlers, Mr Jail-Time is always on call.

“So enjoy your tour and always remember the rules, don’t handle, don’t taste and don’t touch.”

“Excuse me Miss, who are Mr Wait, What and Sorry?”

“Oh sorry darling. They’re our big and intimidating security guards. I call them that because Mr Wait will grab you and immobilise you, Mr What will interrogate you and make you confess your deepest darkest murder, and Mr Sorry will apologise to your parents after sending you to jail. They’re a great team and always stop trouble-makers, like you, from causing destruction. Now run along you little princess. Enjoy the museum.”

Is this a comic?

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THE PUZZLING ADVENTURES OF MR BURGLAR

We join Mr Burglar having broken into a house and being discovered…

HOUSE OWNER: “What are you doing?”
MR BURGLAR: “A puzzle. Do you want to join me?”
HOUSE OWNER: “Let me see.”

The house owner looks over Mr Burglar’s shoulder to see a half completed jigsaw puzzle.

HOUSE OWNER: “You mean you’re not here to rob me?”
MR BURGLAR: “Quite the opposite actually. I break into houses, do a puzzle and leave the complete puzzle with them. I don’t take things, in fact I leave them with a gift.”
HOUSE OWNER: “It’s still breaking and entering. It’s a wonder you haven’t been caught until now. I’m calling the police!”

How will Mr Burglar escape?

Find out next week in THE PUZZLING ADVENTURES OF MR BURGLAR

Can you remember five easy steps?

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I can remember everything. I never forget! And I want to tell you how I do it. To demonstrate here’s my shopping list: milk, cheese, butter, bread, bacon and eggs.

Step One: Write the list down. Write down everything, milk, cheese, bread, bacon and eggs.

Step Two: Eat the list. I forgot to tell you this before, write your list on an edible piece of paper. Now that you’ve eaten this list it’s in your internal memory system.

Step Three: Now that the list is in your stomach it should be easy to remember. I forgot to tell you this before, but internal memory system is just a fancy term for stomach.

Step Five: You’re almost there, the only thing left is to go to the shops and buy milk, cheese, bacon and eggs.

Don’t fourget!

Mirror, mirror, who is the prettiest of all?

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When life gets me down, I thank God that I have my mirror. Everyday I say to my mirror, “Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the prettiest of all?” And every single time my mirror tells me, “You are the prettiest of all.”

And it doesn’t stop there, my mirror tells me I’m amazing, really smart, full of character, really cute, the best kisser… umm, you probably don’t need to tell others that. It says I’m funny too, and that I’m the best singer, even though I swallowed shampoo this morning.

But I think the most important thing my mirror tells me, “You are beautiful.” Everyday my mirror tells me that. I think my mirror has a crush on me.

My mirror is pretty cool.

Will my head blow up?

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I work at a secret weapons testing facility. I’m just a cleaner, I’m way too dumb to be anything else. But I get along well with the scientists and we have lunch together everyday. Their always joking around and having fun, I guess they need a break from work.

Anyway, a few weeks ago I started taking some tablets at lunch. They’re an ordinary multi-vitamins and not too hard to swallow. I need to keep myself healthy.

Today, as I was having my tablet, one of the scientists told me about a new bomb he developed. It’s fairly small,  small enough to be swallowed. The bomb looks like an ordinary tablet. It’s primary target is evil politicians and evil world leaders.

I asked how the tests were going, and he said, “Well, it’s been taken by someone, but we don’t know the result yet…”

Are they preparing an attack?

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Last week I killed a cockroach with my bare hand. It cornered me in the shower, so I picked it up and crushed it to death. But now I fear I’ve started a turf war.

A few days ago I noticed an advanced soldier surveying my bathroom. He was trying to hide from me, but I saw him. And now I know an attack is coming.

I’ve worked out their most likely point of attack, and I’ve guarded against it. There they will find the Cockroach Killer 5000 laced over the entire surface. After ten seconds any cockroach will be dead! Their attack will be futile.

Victory is mine!