Will it land?

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Land. We walk on it, work it for food, enjoy the water that flows on it. But we forget that Land is a dangerous beast.

The metal cylinder is its enemy. It hovers above the Land, trying to escape, but the Land is only thinking about luring it into its trap and swallowing its victim whole.

Aeroplanes and Land are natural enemies. Aeroplanes are really only safe in the air. On Land they are always in danger of being eaten alive.

Every time an aeroplane comes into Land it’s praying that the Land isn’t hungry. Otherwise the victim rarely survives the devious, quick and hungry Land.

Does it work?

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“I present to you my new time machine,” Mr Malclan said to his assistant.
His assistant looked at the rather uninspiring blue box, “Really?”
“Yes, really. Quick jump inside, there’s no time to waste.”
“But isn’t that the whole point of a time machine? Going back in time so you can waste your time watching every episode of your favourite TV series instead of studying for that test?”
Mr Malclan gave his assistant an unimpressed look as he opened the door and ushered her inside. “What do you see?” he asked from outside the box.
“Nothing. There’s no light in here.”
“Get out your phone and tell me the time.”
“Three past five.”

A minute later Mr Malclan said, “Okay, you can come out now.” His assistant came out of the box looking very unconcerned. “Now, what time is it?”
“Three past five…”

How are you?

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I’ve noticed that when people ask “How are you?” they expect you to answer “Good,” or something similar.

I don’t know why that is, but it annoys me. So I’ve started answering with “Horrible,” or “Combustible,” or “Murderous.” Some reactions are priceless.

But even when I answer completely unexpectedly, every now and then someone will completely miss it and say, “Good.”

Have a good murderous day everybody.

Is it my birth-minute?

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2:59AM. In a minute it’ll be my birth-minute.

I can’t wait! I always sing on my birth-minute, I think I’m getting better.

Ten, nine, eight…….

HAPPY BIRTH-MINUTE TO ME!!!
HAPPY BIRTH-MINUTE TO ME!!!
HAPPY BIRTH-MINUTE DEAR LUCY!!!
HAPPY BIRTH-MINUTE TO ME!!!
ONE MORE TIME!!!

 

Later that day…

“How’s the new baby?” asked Janice.
“A nightmare. She’s crying through the night and I don’t know whether to ignore it or not,” replied tired mother Sahrah.
“It’s more than that darling. She cries every night at exactly 3am. I reckon it’s an alien transmission,” joked Sahrah’s husband.
“Don’t speak about our daughter like that,” said Sahrah.
“I’m sure Lucy has her reasons,” added Janice.

Could you eat a horse?

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Four strong young males strutted into the restaurant and sat down to order.

“I want a horse!” said Daniel.
“Too expensive,” said Sam. “How about a lamb?”
“You know I’m watching my weight Sam.” said Dave.
“Well, we could get it wild.”
“A lamb wouldn’t provide much of a challenge, and besides, the reason we come here is to avoid the wild,” said Mitch.

The four sat deliberating over what to eat, “Chicken?” “Too small.” Cow?” “Too unhealthy.” “Deer?” “I had deer for breakfast.” “Human?” “Only for desert, they’re normally too sweet.” “Elephant?” “The last elephant I ate made me sick for a week.”

It was at this point that the waiter finally spoke up, “We have a special on body builders at the moment. A lean and strong subspecies of human. Feed very high quality food and in tip-top shape. The only thing is he has to be wild.”

Daniel looked around the group, and they all nodded. “Okay, we’ll have two wild body builders.”

“Great, I’ll put them in number four. Enjoy your meal. And thank you for eating at The Lion’s Den.”

What should I wear?

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To decide what to wear I need to know what I’m doing today.

In the morning I’m slaughtering a few Progantoids. They have blue blood, so maybe a blue shirt. It gets very messy, better go a long sleeve shirt. And lightweight too because I need to catch them first.

After that I’m spying on a Sheevite. I’ll need camouflage or I could just wear my invisibility clothing. Unfortunately the colour isn’t the best, but that doesn’t matter too much with invisibility clothing.

Then tonight I’ve got a date with my lovely, I need to look my best. She likes it when I wear yellow. And I think my matching yellow shoes are really cool. I can’t get them dirty though, because they will explode!

So, I still don’t know what to wear, maybe I’ll just take my wardrobe with me.

Where does milk come from?

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There are people called air-ee farmers. And every day they get milk for us to drink.

And it’s a hard job, because milk comes from clouds. So what air-ee farmers do is fly up high in the sky to where the clouds are pure white. That’s where the best milk comes from.

So they fly into the sky, dodging planes, helicopters and the occasional rocket. And when they reach the cloud, they have to tickle it in the right place for the cloud to happily part with it’s milk.

If the air-ee farmer makes the cloud angry then the cloud won’t give them the milk.

And that class, is where milk comes from.