Are there too* many?

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“Hello and welcome. I’m Sam Squaretooth, this day we have an un-orthodox fight, but one with plenty of feeling and emotion. It’ll be a fight until death with only one survivor!

“My co-commentator Bruce Balance joins me, and Bruce, can you just give us a little background for this fight?”

“Sure, I’m glad I’m here. Now our death fight involves three competitors who are sick and tired of being confused, two, too and to. This death fight was instigated by too, he put the challenge out there and to accepted it immediately. two was a bit hesitant, but eventually accepted. Meaning we have a three way death fight.”

“Yes we do. Now I understand that the ramifications are wider than this fight alone?”

“Indeed Sam, the winner will claim exclusive usage in the entire English language.”

“So tonight could become twonight.”

“Indeed. The ramifications are huge!”

“Agreed. Now how do you think the tactics will play out tonight?”

“That’s an interesting one, because I see this fight going a few ways. two was reluctant in the first place, so two may sit back while to and too go at it. But I wouldn’t rule out to and too ganging up on two and killing him first.”

“Thanks Bruce, the fight is about to start as the competitors take the ring. The crowd is full of anticipation. Three, up for grabs, one! And we’re off!!!”

A few pieces of wisdom?

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Today I got a parcel. Let me give you wisdom, so you can open parcels too.

My parcel had a sticker on it. “DO NOT USE BLADES TO OPEN” That is profound. So what I did was take the sticker off and put it on my head. Now I’ll stop stabbing myself.

Next I put my knife away. I’ll use explosives to open my parcel. You should always have high quality, military grade explosive around, and plenty of it.

It was a big parcel, 20x30x3cm. I think it’s a book. Because it’s so big I need lots of explosives, more than I use for blowing up houses.

I attach the explosives, and move back to a safe distance. A meter for every item you’re blowing sky-high. Once I move a meter back I press the button.

Is that a photo?

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Over the past few months I’ve been thinking about posting some of the photos I’ve taken.

Well, I am.

Once a week I’ll post a photo on my new blog called Wait! What? Light.

There’s only one photo there now, but every Thursday I’ll post a new one.

What’s the box for?

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Once there lived a carpenter. He had a young son and would take him into his workshop. The young boy loved being with his father and helping around the workshop.

His favourite job was testing out what they made. He sat on chairs, lay on beds, put things on shelves and ate off tables.

One day his father made a long box, “This is a coffin, son. But you can only use it once, so you can’t test it.” The young boy was confused, they tested everything. “You put a dead body in here and then you put the box in the ground.” The boy nodded.

Years later, at the fathers funeral, the son was telling this story when his father rose up out of the coffin. “It’s a good story son, but not exactly true. I always tested the coffins. I had to be dead to do that, but I always rose to life. Guess old habits never die!”

Is there a white elephant in the room?

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What do you think? Can I combine these two common phrases?

A white elephant refers to something (often a building) that costs a lot of money but is essentially useless or doesn’t serve a purpose.

An elephant in the room refers to that thing (usually awkward) that no one wants to talk about.

So I would reason that we can combine these phases, certainly in the case of a massive sculpture of a tree that looks like something else.

But that’s not the real question here, the real question is… Is the elephant painted white? Or does it have white skin? Could we paint it another colour? Perhaps a pretty pink elephant?

The Chicken or the Egg?

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I have two bits of dinner left on my plate, a large chicken breast and a hard-boiled chicken egg. This is the very scenario that started the whole chicken or egg debate…

Five thousand years ago, at the dawn of humanity, lived a family. This family lived in an abundance of food, vegetables, fruit, meat from cows, lambs, pigs, fish and chickens. Every night the family gathered around the dinner table to eat.

One night the meal centred on one lonely chicken. Her name was Chase. She died and her body was roasted alongside the final eggs she laid. Alongside vegetables, Chase and her eggs were the meal that night.

The man of the family always ate his vegetables first and so the last two items left on his plate were the chicken and the egg. He said, “What do I eat first, the chicken or the egg?”

Over thousands of revellings that question has become ‘What came first, the chicken or the egg?’

I ate the chicken first because the egg still had the shell on.

What will happen in 2019?

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A strange event will occur. Penguins will be spotted in Darwin, terrorising local crocodiles and confirming a strange exodus of antarctic animals.

A few days later a massive meteorite will crash into Antarctica. There will be snow in Kenya, ice-skating on the Amazon river, and the whole southern hemisphere will be plunged into freezing darkness.

Of the humans that survive there will be plenty of food, but plenty of penguins. Penguins will become the dominant species, growing in size, aggression and appetite.

No one will survive the Penguin Apocalypse.