Where did the time go?


I just lost an hour of my time and I don’t know where it went.

I was reading a book and I looked at my phone to check the time. It was pretty late and I decided to go to bed after I finished the chapter.

Then I turned the page and saw the end of the chapter. So I read to that, put the book down and picked up my phone.

AN HOUR AND THREE MINUTES HAD PASSED!!! I only read a page and a half. How did it happen??? I’m sorry everyone, but I really don’t know…

Should I try to get it back before daylight comes!?.

Why is it called Fred’s Pass?


Fred walked up to the real estate agent, eager to inspect his new property. “Hello, I’m James, nice to meet you” Fred thrust out his hand and excitedly shook James’ hand.

“Hi, I’m Fred. Can’t wait to see what I bought. My arch-enemy wanted to buy it too, but I did!”

“Fred? Your name is Fred?” asked the agent.

“Has been all my life.”

“Oh, well I’m sure it’s nothing.”

“Sure what’s nothing?”

“The legend around this place,” Fred didn’t stop James, so he continued. “They say that back in the days of the early settlers, this place caused a number of mysterious deaths. There were a few cases of scurvy, a couple of hypothermia deaths, a few falling leaves and one avalanche.”

Fred looked around confused, while the agent continued, “Yes exactly, no mountains in sight in this inland tropical climate. But that’s not all. Every single person who died was named Fred. And that’s why it has the name Fred’s Pass…”

How do I say goodbye?


Jarred walked into the room and closed the door behind him. The constant beep and buzz of machines filled the hospital room as a motionless body lay clinging to life.

“I don’t know how to start or what to say,” began Jarred, “I don’t even know if you can hear me, the doctors say no. They say every breath could be your last, and I don’t want to believe them. I really don’t, but all these machines tell me I should.

“With all that I can I’ve asked God to give me more time with you. I reckon my cries are louder than yours ever were. And God only ever says two things back, “Be thankful,” and “I’ll take care of him. ”

“So that’s it, you’re going home and I’m thankful for the days I got. And I’ll always look forward to the day when I can get to know you when I go home too. Until then my dear, precious, wonderful, amazing, beautiful, newborn son…


Whose birthday is it?


Samantha walked into the kitchen and immediately noticed the cake with the words ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY’ on it. “Whose birthday is it?”
Her housemate, Melanie, was wiping down a cake tin. “Why do you assume it’s someone’s birthday?”
“Because the cake says ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY’.”
“That doesn’t mean it’s a birthday cake. It’s just a cake, there’s nothing special about it.”
“But you don’t put that on every cake. Why not just put WORTHLESS PILE OF FAT.”
Melanie threw the cake tin on the ground, “Because it’s my birthday! That’s why I wrote ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY’ on there!”
Samantha gave Melanie a few moments to regain her composure. “No it’s not. Your birthday’s tomorrow.”
“It’s today you idiot!”
“No, no it’s definitely tomorrow. That’s what I told everyone coming.”
“But we never have guests, no one comes here.”
“Well, they all said they wouldn’t miss it. Also, I’m not sure that’ll be enough cake.”
Then the doorbell rang.

Did you brush your teeth?


I really don’t think my teeth and toothbrush like each other.

They never get on, I have to separate them for most of the day. And when they are together my toothbrush basically punches my teeth, brushes them aside and rubs them the wrong way.

I don’t want it to be that way. I want my teeth to enjoy what my toothbrush does. He cares for my teeth, removes dirt and freshens my mouth.

But my teeth don’t see that. They only see and feel the pain my toothbrush causes.

But I think I can solve the problem. Never brush my teeth again. It’ll work a charm.

Do you have the time?


“Brothers and sisters, I am a time thief from the future. I am about to extract every second of your lives and place it in a container.

“I will then take that container back to my own time and use it to live for eternity.

“There is nothing you can do to stop me. I’m not really sorry. I’m bringing an end to your pitiful existence. The life of a peasant is certainly not for me.”

“Excuse me, just wondering, what if by us not existing anymore it means you never exist?”

“Well, umm, actually, that’s a good point. I’ll be right back.”

How much?


“Welcome to our AA meeting tonight. It’s great to see so many new faces here looking for help to overcome their problem. Before we go around and find out more about each other, I’ve asked one of our veterans here to share his story.”

“Hello, I’m Dave.”

“Hello Dave”

“My problem started when I moved to the city. I was walking around one day when I saw this help wanted sign for a cafe/bar. I thought that I was useful enough in the kitchen that I could learn on the job.

“I got the job and started work in the kitchen, but it wasn’t long before I spotted something that seemed a bit odd. The ingredient cost more than we charged. So I decided to go out on my own and set-up a smashed avo cafe.

“It was great, business boomed and I kept smashing avos, all day, everyday. Mostly I didn’t see the issue, but one day an avocado spoke to me. It said, “OUCH! That hurts me!” I was a bit shocked at first but kept on smashing. But every time I did I heard the cry of pain, “OUCH! That hurts me! OUCH! That hurts me! OUCH! OUCH! OUCH!”

I dropped my club, ran out of the store and never went back. I found this Avocado Abusers meeting and have been able to work through my aggression towards avocados. I’m a changed man.”