Excuse me sir, can you please help me put my new shoes on? I only just got them and I’m having a bit of trouble. Can you help?

You see, they’re my favourite shoes. I love the colours, it matches perfectly with the shirt I’m wearing. The low cut profile allows my ankles to breathe. And they just suit my style.

It’s a real pity they’re two sizes too small.

I wasn’t too picky when I got them. I just saw someone wearing them and asked if I could have them, he said, “Over my dead body!” So I killed him and got my new shoes. That’s why they’re a bit blood splattered.

Thank you for helpi… Hang on a second. What size shoe are you? I’d kill for those shoes.

The chicken surveyed its surroudings. He lay on a comfortable green bed accompanied by his best friend, a pig. Together they we’re wrapped up in a cosy and warm little home.

Although plenty of hustle and bustle surrounded them, they were peaceful and content inside their home. Conversation driffted from the weather to what life was like. Their cosy and comfortable home seemed impenetrible, they could stay there forever.

The only thing about their cosy little home that they disliked was the lack of a window. Then all of a sudden they had it. A brand new window that let a little light in. Life was perfect.

 

“Hey guys! I wonder what the chicken and bacon are thinking as I eat my wrap?”

Hello there, I’ve been asked to come and see you today. I know you won’t speak, but do you think you’d be able to point to where it hurts?

Ahh yes, your leg. Indeed, I can see quite a gash there. I’m not surprised. It looks like someone used a carving knife on you leg.

And your chest. Yes I can see the burn marks. Those burn marks can only mean one thing: a lot of electricity pumped through your body. 

Oh yes, your head. I did wonder if you normally look like that. I’d guess someone has repeatedly imparted their fist on your face.

Now, what doesn’t hurt? And I will focus my torture on that part of your body.

“I gave you the plan! I gave you the idea! And you use it against me!”

He sat there grinning, basking in his glory, “Yes. Yes I did. And it worked perfectly, thank you. You know, you should join my side. I’d make things so much easier for you.”

“You would for a bit, but I know your lies, and I know the victory is won.”

“But in this battle I’ve destroyed her and left you crubling in a heap. You’ve lost, just give up and join me,” he said while showing me fame and riches.

“No, not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to your name goes all the glory.

“You and your lies must flee. Get lost. I don’t need my knees anyway!”

Do it! Kill him and do it now.

You were wise to wait until now. I urged you to do it when he was puny and weak, but now that he thinks he’s grown the impact will be catastrophic.

Anyone as bold as him has to die. So make use of this window the enemy has given you. Escalate the confusion, highten the dismay, surround him on every side.

Then plunge a dagger into his heart!!!

Sit back and watch the chaos and misery!

Here at DIE, we wake-up and think of ways to die. Then we write them down, supply the materials and sell everything to you!

Only our best creative minds work at dying. Everyday they create new suicide methods and stories to help you when you most need it.

We’re here to make every suicide unique. Our costs vary depending on how fancy you want your death to be, how spectacular you want your death to be, how emotional you want your death to be, or just how much you have left in your bank acount.

Visit a DIE store near you today and we’ll throw in a free coffin, will kit and suicide note!

And remember Death Is Everywhere!

One morning, as I was looking out the window, the milkman came to deliver our daily order of milk. As he did every morning, he put two glass bottles full of fresh milk on our porch, turned around and left as quickly as he came.

A few minutes later, an elephant strode towards our house and sucked up all the milk in its trunk. The elephant then did a handstand on the two empty bottles. After finishing the handstand with a majestic jump and twist, the elephant emptied the contents of its trunk back into the two milk bottles.

Shortly after, a pelican wandered onto our porch. It picked up the milk bottles and emptied the contents into its mouth. Then the pelican threw the empty bottles high into the air and took flight. With precision accuracy the pelican caught both bootles in mid-air. The pelican landed on our porch and spat out the milk back into the two milk bottles.

“Get up Tony! Time for breackfast! Do you want milk on your cereal?”

It was the light that attracted me. I had never seen it before, and yet, I knew it was good the moment I saw it.

I wasn’t even sure where it came from at first, but I kept searching until I found a house at the end of the street. Why was this house the only one with the lights on?

As I approached I saw there was no door, instead there was a wall of liquid where the door shoul’ve been. And in the light I worked out it was blood. Was everyone inside covered by this blood?

“Come in.” said a voice from inside. The voice was smooth, calm and deep. I felt safe, so I trusted him and stepped through the blood. Who was this voice?

Inside was pure white, even the blood I brought in with me vanished. But there was no one inside, and the lights weren’t even on. The building itself was shining from the inside out. As I stood in awe, I heard footsteps behind me…

“You didn’t remember it!” shouted Andy.

“Of course I did!” replied an out of breath Stanley.

“Well then where is it!?.”

“In my pocket!”

“No, not the matches, the bomb!”

“Oh yeah…” Stanley thought for a moment, “Well I like explosions!”

“But we haven’t got the dimonds!” As Andy finished his sentece the whole museum exploded. Andy and Stanley took cover, only emerging when it started raining diamonds.

“Are we done here?”

As he lies asleep I always like to keep watch and prepared, waiting for the best moment to attack.

Sometimes I’ll attack while he’s deep in sleep. They’re the best I think, because I can see that after my attack he stumbles awake… literally. It’s great fun to watch and means a job well done.

Although I have noticed lately that not attacking is also quite fun. He doesn”t wake up tired, but he wakes up angry and in a rush, I laughed when he put his shirt on backwards after I did this.

The thing with this sort of attack is you’ve got to time it well… but you’re alarm clocks. So that shouldn’t be a problem.