Mirror, mirror, who is the prettiest of all?

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When life gets me down, I thank God that I have my mirror. Everyday I say to my mirror, “Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the prettiest of all?” And every single time my mirror tells me, “You are the prettiest of all.”

And it doesn’t stop there, my mirror tells me I’m amazing, really smart, full of character, really cute, the best kisser… umm, you probably don’t need to tell others that. It says I’m funny too, and that I’m the best singer, even though I swallowed shampoo this morning.

But I think the most important thing my mirror tells me, “You are beautiful.” Everyday my mirror tells me that. I think my mirror has a crush on me.

My mirror is pretty cool.

Will my head blow up?

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I work at a secret weapons testing facility. I’m just a cleaner, I’m way too dumb to be anything else. But I get along well with the scientists and we have lunch together everyday. Their always joking around and having fun, I guess they need a break from work.

Anyway, a few weeks ago I started taking some tablets at lunch. They’re an ordinary multi-vitamins and not too hard to swallow. I need to keep myself healthy.

Today, as I was having my tablet, one of the scientists told me about a new bomb he developed. It’s fairly small,  small enough to be swallowed. The bomb looks like an ordinary tablet. It’s primary target is evil politicians and evil world leaders.

I asked how the tests were going, and he said, “Well, it’s been taken by someone, but we don’t know the result yet…”

Are they preparing an attack?

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Last week I killed a cockroach with my bare hand. It cornered me in the shower, so I picked it up and crushed it to death. But now I fear I’ve started a turf war.

A few days ago I noticed an advanced soldier surveying my bathroom. He was trying to hide from me, but I saw him. And now I know an attack is coming.

I’ve worked out their most likely point of attack, and I’ve guarded against it. There they will find the Cockroach Killer 5000 laced over the entire surface. After ten seconds any cockroach will be dead! Their attack will be futile.

Victory is mine!

Does someone chase you?

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I put out the word that I needed a running partner. I got a few responses, but really only one interested me.

His name was Tait, he was a runner, a long distance runner, with a very fast personal best. He said his motivation technique was the best in the business.

So we met up and talked for hours. Not just about running but about everything, football, God and politics. We agreed to go for a run the next day.

The next day I waited outside my house for ten minutes, after that I decided Tait wasn’t coming and set-off without him.

As I set-off I noticed this figure in black out of the corner of my eye. Then I noticed it again. So I looked behind me and there was this figure in black chasing after me!

I ran faster, taking more turns, trying to throw him off. But nothing shook him. Instead he kept closing in.

I decided to make a break for home and raced at top speed down a shortcut. He was still right on my tail as I turned into my street. I didn’t even open my gate, I jumped the fenced and picked up the first weapon I could find.

But when I peered outside my gate the figure in black was gone.

 

Later in the day I got a text from Tait, “How was the run?”

“SOMEONE CHASED ME!!! Where were you???”

“Did you run faster?”

“Yes.”

“Cool, same time tomorrow?”

What happened to you?

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After being forgotten and left on top of a car, you feel worthless, unloved and taken for granted.

Tears form in your eyes when the car engine starts. You’re betrayed by those you love most. The fall off the roof of the car doesn’t hurt as much as that.

Lying on the gravel and dirt with your insides sprawled across the road becomes your meaning in life. Ultimate abandonment defines you, and the scars of your wounds only serve as a reminder of how unworthy you are.

Darkness covers your world, another adequate reminder. The dirt becomes mud as more and more tears try to express your hurt.

Blinding headlights only symbolise fading warmth. They all go away.
So, why haven’t these ones?
Could it be? Yes it could!
Those who left me have come back!
I’m saved!

Are there too* many?

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“Hello and welcome. I’m Sam Squaretooth, this day we have an un-orthodox fight, but one with plenty of feeling and emotion. It’ll be a fight until death with only one survivor!

“My co-commentator Bruce Balance joins me, and Bruce, can you just give us a little background for this fight?”

“Sure, I’m glad I’m here. Now our death fight involves three competitors who are sick and tired of being confused, two, too and to. This death fight was instigated by too, he put the challenge out there and to accepted it immediately. two was a bit hesitant, but eventually accepted. Meaning we have a three way death fight.”

“Yes we do. Now I understand that the ramifications are wider than this fight alone?”

“Indeed Sam, the winner will claim exclusive usage in the entire English language.”

“So tonight could become twonight.”

“Indeed. The ramifications are huge!”

“Agreed. Now how do you think the tactics will play out tonight?”

“That’s an interesting one, because I see this fight going a few ways. two was reluctant in the first place, so two may sit back while to and too go at it. But I wouldn’t rule out to and too ganging up on two and killing him first.”

“Thanks Bruce, the fight is about to start as the competitors take the ring. The crowd is full of anticipation. Three, up for grabs, one! And we’re off!!!”

A few pieces of wisdom?

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Today I got a parcel. Let me give you wisdom, so you can open parcels too.

My parcel had a sticker on it. “DO NOT USE BLADES TO OPEN” That is profound. So what I did was take the sticker off and put it on my head. Now I’ll stop stabbing myself.

Next I put my knife away. I’ll use explosives to open my parcel. You should always have high quality, military grade explosive around, and plenty of it.

It was a big parcel, 20x30x3cm. I think it’s a book. Because it’s so big I need lots of explosives, more than I use for blowing up houses.

I attach the explosives, and move back to a safe distance. A meter for every item you’re blowing sky-high. Once I move a meter back I press the button.