Whose birthday is it?

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Samantha walked into the kitchen and immediately noticed the cake with the words ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY’ on it. “Whose birthday is it?”
Her housemate, Melanie, was wiping down a cake tin. “Why do you assume it’s someone’s birthday?”
“Because the cake says ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY’.”
“That doesn’t mean it’s a birthday cake. It’s just a cake, there’s nothing special about it.”
“But you don’t put that on every cake. Why not just put WORTHLESS PILE OF FAT.”
Melanie threw the cake tin on the ground, “Because it’s my birthday! That’s why I wrote ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY’ on there!”
Samantha gave Melanie a few moments to regain her composure. “No it’s not. Your birthday’s tomorrow.”
“It’s today you idiot!”
“No, no it’s definitely tomorrow. That’s what I told everyone coming.”
“But we never have guests, no one comes here.”
“Well, they all said they wouldn’t miss it. Also, I’m not sure that’ll be enough cake.”
Then the doorbell rang.

Did you brush your teeth?

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I really don’t think my teeth and toothbrush like each other.

They never get on, I have to separate them for most of the day. And when they are together my toothbrush basically punches my teeth, brushes them aside and rubs them the wrong way.

I don’t want it to be that way. I want my teeth to enjoy what my toothbrush does. He cares for my teeth, removes dirt and freshens my mouth.

But my teeth don’t see that. They only see and feel the pain my toothbrush causes.

But I think I can solve the problem. Never brush my teeth again. It’ll work a charm.

Do you have the time?

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“Brothers and sisters, I am a time thief from the future. I am about to extract every second of your lives and place it in a container.

“I will then take that container back to my own time and use it to live for eternity.

“There is nothing you can do to stop me. I’m not really sorry. I’m bringing an end to your pitiful existence. The life of a peasant is certainly not for me.”

“Excuse me, just wondering, what if by us not existing anymore it means you never exist?”

“Well, umm, actually, that’s a good point. I’ll be right back.”

How much?

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“Welcome to our AA meeting tonight. It’s great to see so many new faces here looking for help to overcome their problem. Before we go around and find out more about each other, I’ve asked one of our veterans here to share his story.”

“Hello, I’m Dave.”

“Hello Dave”

“My problem started when I moved to the city. I was walking around one day when I saw this help wanted sign for a cafe/bar. I thought that I was useful enough in the kitchen that I could learn on the job.

“I got the job and started work in the kitchen, but it wasn’t long before I spotted something that seemed a bit odd. The ingredient cost more than we charged. So I decided to go out on my own and set-up a smashed avo cafe.

“It was great, business boomed and I kept smashing avos, all day, everyday. Mostly I didn’t see the issue, but one day an avocado spoke to me. It said, “OUCH! That hurts me!” I was a bit shocked at first but kept on smashing. But every time I did I heard the cry of pain, “OUCH! That hurts me! OUCH! That hurts me! OUCH! OUCH! OUCH!”

I dropped my club, ran out of the store and never went back. I found this Avocado Abusers meeting and have been able to work through my aggression towards avocados. I’m a changed man.”

Is this a mum joke?

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My daughter and granddaughter came to visit while my son-in-law was overseas.

My daughter and I were talking when my granddaughter came in and said to her mother, “I’m hungry.”

My daughter responded with, “Hi hungry, I’m mum.” Then half in disbelief we stared at each other. But quickly my disbelief turned to amazement and I started applauding.

I got up and went over to my daughter and gave her the longest, proudest hug I have ever given her. “I’ve taught you well,” I said as tears filled my eyes.

I hope Little Miss Hungry understands all this one day.

Is this the future?

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They say, “Those who don’t learn the lessons of history are doomed to repeat them.”

It’s exactly right. I’ve slowly been learning that I can predict the future. However, often I won’t realise I’ve predicted the future until it becomes the past. And then it doesn’t count.

So, I’m going to predict the future by looking at the past and asking one simple question, “What did you learn from such an event?”

And today I tried it. I asked myself, “What did I learn from eating lunch yesterday?” And from my answer I deduced that I hadn’t learned my lesson and would therefore have lunch again today.

But, I was wrong. I had brunch instead.

Is this an over-reaction?

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We were joking around about hats when my friend said, “I explode at the drop of a hat.” I was a bit blown away by that.

After a few seconds of shocked silence he continued, “When I was little I refused to pick things up even though I was always dropping them. I would drop something and then call out for mum to come and pick it up.

“One day, as mum picked my hat up off the floor, she said to me, “Travis, did you know that you explode at the drop of a hat? So you need to be careful to make sure you stop dropping things.”

“After that day I have never dropped anything.”

My friends and I burst out laughing at how gullible Travis was, but to see how he would react I ‘accidentally’ dropped my hat.

Travis exploded.