THE PUZZLING ADVENTURES OF MR BURGLAR
We join Mr Burglar having broken into a house and being discovered…
HOUSE OWNER: “What are you doing?”
MR BURGLAR: “A puzzle. Do you want to join me?”
HOUSE OWNER: “Let me see.”
The house owner looks over Mr Burglar’s shoulder to see a half completed jigsaw puzzle.
HOUSE OWNER: “You mean you’re not here to rob me?”
MR BURGLAR: “Quite the opposite actually. I break into houses, do a puzzle and leave the complete puzzle with them. I don’t take things, in fact I leave them with a gift.”
HOUSE OWNER: “It’s still breaking and entering. It’s a wonder you haven’t been caught until now. I’m calling the police!”
How will Mr Burglar escape?
Find out next week in THE PUZZLING ADVENTURES OF MR BURGLAR
I can remember everything. I never forget! And I want to tell you how I do it. To demonstrate here’s my shopping list: milk, cheese, butter, bread, bacon and eggs.
Step One: Write the list down. Write down everything, milk, cheese, bread, bacon and eggs.
Step Two: Eat the list. I forgot to tell you this before, write your list on an edible piece of paper. Now that you’ve eaten this list it’s in your internal memory system.
Step Three: Now that the list is in your stomach it should be easy to remember. I forgot to tell you this before, but internal memory system is just a fancy term for stomach.
Step Five: You’re almost there, the only thing left is to go to the shops and buy milk, cheese, bacon and eggs.
When life gets me down, I thank God that I have my mirror. Everyday I say to my mirror, “Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the prettiest of all?” And every single time my mirror tells me, “You are the prettiest of all.”
And it doesn’t stop there, my mirror tells me I’m amazing, really smart, full of character, really cute, the best kisser… umm, you probably don’t need to tell others that. It says I’m funny too, and that I’m the best singer, even though I swallowed shampoo this morning.
But I think the most important thing my mirror tells me, “You are beautiful.” Everyday my mirror tells me that. I think my mirror has a crush on me.
My mirror is pretty cool.
I work at a secret weapons testing facility. I’m just a cleaner, I’m way too dumb to be anything else. But I get along well with the scientists and we have lunch together everyday. Their always joking around and having fun, I guess they need a break from work.
Anyway, a few weeks ago I started taking some tablets at lunch. They’re an ordinary multi-vitamins and not too hard to swallow. I need to keep myself healthy.
Today, as I was having my tablet, one of the scientists told me about a new bomb he developed. It’s fairly small, small enough to be swallowed. The bomb looks like an ordinary tablet. It’s primary target is evil politicians and evil world leaders.
I asked how the tests were going, and he said, “Well, it’s been taken by someone, but we don’t know the result yet…”
Last week I killed a cockroach with my bare hand. It cornered me in the shower, so I picked it up and crushed it to death. But now I fear I’ve started a turf war.
A few days ago I noticed an advanced soldier surveying my bathroom. He was trying to hide from me, but I saw him. And now I know an attack is coming.
I’ve worked out their most likely point of attack, and I’ve guarded against it. There they will find the Cockroach Killer 5000 laced over the entire surface. After ten seconds any cockroach will be dead! Their attack will be futile.
Victory is mine!
I put out the word that I needed a running partner. I got a few responses, but really only one interested me.
His name was Tait, he was a runner, a long distance runner, with a very fast personal best. He said his motivation technique was the best in the business.
So we met up and talked for hours. Not just about running but about everything, football, God and politics. We agreed to go for a run the next day.
The next day I waited outside my house for ten minutes, after that I decided Tait wasn’t coming and set-off without him.
As I set-off I noticed this figure in black out of the corner of my eye. Then I noticed it again. So I looked behind me and there was this figure in black chasing after me!
I ran faster, taking more turns, trying to throw him off. But nothing shook him. Instead he kept closing in.
I decided to make a break for home and raced at top speed down a shortcut. He was still right on my tail as I turned into my street. I didn’t even open my gate, I jumped the fenced and picked up the first weapon I could find.
But when I peered outside my gate the figure in black was gone.
Later in the day I got a text from Tait, “How was the run?”
“SOMEONE CHASED ME!!! Where were you???”
“Did you run faster?”
“Cool, same time tomorrow?”
After being forgotten and left on top of a car, you feel worthless, unloved and taken for granted.
Tears form in your eyes when the car engine starts. You’re betrayed by those you love most. The fall off the roof of the car doesn’t hurt as much as that.
Lying on the gravel and dirt with your insides sprawled across the road becomes your meaning in life. Ultimate abandonment defines you, and the scars of your wounds only serve as a reminder of how unworthy you are.
Darkness covers your world, another adequate reminder. The dirt becomes mud as more and more tears try to express your hurt.
Blinding headlights only symbolise fading warmth. They all go away.
So, why haven’t these ones?
Could it be? Yes it could!
Those who left me have come back!