Do you mind me calling you a pig?


Oh Scarlet you’re such a pig!

I hope you don’t mind me calling you a pig. Oh, sorry. You probably do, sorry. You’re wonderful!

It’s… It’s just that… well, you kinda eat a lot. I mean it’s all I ever see you do. And the way you eat, without cutlery, it’s kinda gross. And you love mud for some reason. You probably eat the stuff.

Which is horrible for your figure. Most girls have shape, and I’m not saying you don’t have a shape. It’s just that you’ve put on quite a bit lately. Those thighs really show it. That is… once you get past the ballooning body. You’re not expecting?

Sorry I asked. And sorry I called you a pig. I love you! I love your pink complexion. It really brings out your eyes. And how could I not mention your curly pink tail. With your dirty, but always luscious snout at the other end.

I love you Scarlet!

Can I get a burger?


I got a new car! Its red, it has a bull bar and it can go off-road! It’s quite the ride.

Anyway, I wanna tell you about my first trip in my new car. And the first thing I wanted to do in my new car was drive-thru a fast food joint and get a burger. So that’s what I did.

I got into my new car and drove to a fast food joint. Once I got there I saw the open door and drove inside. The car was a bit wider than the door, but the bull bar took care of that. There were also a few people standing at the counter, so I decided to pull up behind them and wait.

However, everyone started screaming and running. They were shouting “Drive-by! Drive-by!” I’m not sure why they had to say it twice, but they did. Maybe they were trying to tell me the new name for drive-thru.

Anyway, because everyone had run away I was next in line. So I carefully drove to the counter, there were a few bumps, someone must’ve dropped a burger. And then, my mind went blank. I forgot what I wanted. You know there are suddenly all these options in front of you, so you forget the one thing you wanted.

Eventually, after a minute or so I ordered some chips and a drink. The service was good, I paid, got my stuff, and calmly drove my new car out through the other door. Again it was a bit small, but the bull bar came in handy again.

It was only as I was driving home that I remembered I wanted a burger…

Is it a UFO?


Three guys stumbled out of a pub. The first guy, Bob, saw something flying through the air. He was mesmerised by this flying object, but he couldn’t tell what it was.
So he simply shouted, “Look, a UFO,” as he stumbled after it.

Bill and Brad followed, and the three comrades watched as the Unidentified Flying Object started to spiral out of control.
“Oh no! The UFO’s falling,” shouted Bob.
Bill hearing his exclamation was quick to correct him, “Don’t you mean U-F-O?”
A confused Brad turned to Bill as Bob kept chasing the UFO.
“Unidentified Falling Object,” Bill replied as he passed out laughing.

Brad slowly caught up with Bob and found him standing over the grounded UFO.
“The UFO,” lamented Bob.
“It’s not a UFO anymore,” replied Brad.
“Yes it is. An Unidentified Flat Object,” said Bob as he passed out laughing.

Brad, the dumbest of the lot, continued aimlessly, but soon passed out laughing his head off as he finally got the joke.

What on Earth happened?


So a few days ago I woke up with a very sore leg. But I still have no idea why, or how it happened.

I’m pretty sure it had nothing to do with the building fall. I landed on my head/shoulder. And that was two weeks ago, I’m over it now.

Maybe it was the time I ate a pineapple. It was really tasty, I just had to eat it all. Even the spikey green bit. I didn’t know you weren’t meant to, it didn’t come with a warning label.

It was probably something unusual that happened recently. But the only thing I can think of is the dream I had about being abducted by aliens a few nights ago.

Hang on. Maybe it wasn’t a dream. Maybe it was real. And that explains what on Earth happened. Well, sort of. See, because I wasn’t on Earth I don’t know what happened. The question should be what in the universe happened…