Is it really important?


There are some things that are important. Like the football score. That’s probably the most important thing there is, it’s all I talk about at work.

Week in, week out. It always changes. Scores line up, scores are abnormal and every now and then you get a 7-1. It’s our life and blood.

Some would say it’s a matter of life and death, careers are made and forgotten because of scores. Friendships are forged and then ripped apart due to a simple score line. So I assure you it’s more important than life and death.


Is that the winner?


Rolling down a hill, well not really down a hill, more of just rolling along. I’m just enjoying being outside and on the grass, there’s really nothing I’d rather be doing. It’s so peaceful out here.

Owww! What was that? I was just rolling along and then something gets in the way, out of nowhere. There was nothing I could do to avoid it, at least it doesn’t seem to mind. It’s a colourful thing too, bright green with three stripes.

Ouch. The green thing with the stripes keeps touching me! I suppose it’s affection, I mean it’s just tenderly moving me into a more comfortable position.

Wait. What’s happening? The green thing with the stripes is flying towards me! It’s going to hit me straight in the middle. OWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Why green thing? Why? My middle is now aching, I’ll be bruised for days! We’re you trying to knock the stuffing out of me? And to make things worse I have no idea where the ground is!

Oh look! Up ahead there’s a net, I’ll be safe in there. Left a bit, down a bit, just over another object and into the net.

“And the crowd goes wild! A few quick touches before unleashing an unstoppable shot just out of the goalkeepers reach!”

Are we there yet?


No my child. Be patient, we will get there in good time. Look out the window, enjoy the company, and remember: The joy is in the journey, not always the arrival.

I can remember a day back in 2016. It was a lovely day and I was on the way home when a sound caught my ear. In one of the units someone was playing piano. I stopped and listened outside their window for over an hour.

It wasn’t the best playing ever, I remember plenty of mistakes, but it was still very nice. I just sat there in the fresh air outside someone’s window for a while. I never found out who was playing.

You see kids, if you’re so focused on the destination you might miss something beautiful.

Are you my friend?


Winter is coming. I will get cold. I don’t like being cold. However, I have a genius solution. I will light myself on fire!

It’s the perfect solution, because fire is hot. And if I light myself on fire I will be hot too. It’s the perfect solution. And not just for me.

If I light myself on fire there are so many other things that I’d do. Say someone let their coffee go cold, a few minutes in my hands and it would be hot again.

People also love toasted food. Because I’m on fire I would be able to toast their sandwiches, marshmallows and bread.

I think the best part of lighting myself on fire would be the friends I make. People would just sit around me toasting their marshmallows, and I could just talk to them. I bet they would hug me at the end.

Are you an actor?


If I was an actor I would use my talent for evil…

At the coffee shop I would act like my order hadn’t come. I wouldn’t even need to order, I could just go there and stand impatiently. I would be upset whenever they called out a name, tap my watch, and pretend to tell my boss that I’m late because I’m still waiting for my daily coffee.

In the restaurant I would act like my food tasted terrible. It would be great if I sat next to the window. I would perform for those outside, maybe I could convince people the restaurant isn’t that good.

On the street I would create contact and go down, pretending they broke my ankle. I bet I would get a few penalties that way, and as soon as the card came out I would spring to my feet.

Can you get back on the bus?


“Why? You just dropped me off.”
“Well, yes, but as you can see the bus won’t move now. And it’s all your fault.”
“My fault! How?”
“Over the past two months you have been sighted exiting the bus, and then the bus not working after that. It’s happened on five occasions now and I know you’re to blame!”
“Really? You think the bus isn’t working because I got off?”
“Yes! Now get back on the bus!”
“What happens when the bus finishes its route?”
“Stay on for the next one. You can never get off again!”
“So, is this a kidnapping?”
“Yes, I suppose it is.”
“Right, well, if you’re willing to kidnap people when your bus doesn’t work, what does that say about yo… Does the bus have Wi-Fi?”
“Cool, I’m in.”

Where are the apples?


One day I was in a shopping centre, so I went into the apple store. I wanted an apple, apples are my 8th favourite fruit. I think on this particular day I wanted a Granny Smith apple.

In the store I couldn’t find the fresh fruit among all the electronics on display. So I asked a person where the apples were. They looked at me funny and walked away.

The next person I asked was more helpful. He responded, “Were you after a Mac, an iPod, an iPad or an iPhone.”

Now it was my turn to give a funny look, before calmly replying, “Do you have any Granny Smiths?”

He laughed for some reason before saying, “Ahh, we just ran out. But if you’re looking for apples just go down the stairs, turn left and keep going. Eventually you’ll come across some apples.”

So I did, but I still want to find out how the apples from the apple store taste.

Are you being sarcastic?


“You’re under arrest.”
“What for officer?”
“Making death threats.”
“I never made any death threats!”
“November 3, Katie McGregor. You were talking about how you would like to die. Miss McGregor said she, quote, “I’d like a quick death, like a bullet to the head, or just a simple head removal,” end quote. Then you said, quote, “I can make that happen,” end quote. And Miss McGregor reports that you had a creepy smile on your face and a gleam in your eye.”
“That is true officer, but it was a joke. We both laughed afterwards and I haven’t killed her… yet. Wait!”
“Sorry. I have a habit of throwing in sarcastic jokes and forgetting to turn on the sarcasm. Meaning people don’t know whether I’m joking or not. It’s a curse.”
“Ahh, so you don’t mean Miss McGregor any harm?”
“No, officer.”
“Ok then. You’re a nice guy, I don’t think you would hurt anyone. Thankyou for your time. I’m glad this day is nearly over, just a few hours of paperwork to go. Kill me now, if you know what I mean.”
“I can make that happen… Wait!”