A few days ago I stumbled on the trailer for a new Netflix Series. And it exited me so much that I have to share it with you. The name of the show is Santa Marita Diet. And having only seen the trailer it looks like a show I will love.
The trailer indicates a simple premise for the show: a woman becomes undead and, with the help of her husband and children, kills evil people for her to eat.
The trailer indicates a huge element of comedy. Family situations tend to create comedy and indications are for comedy over thrills and jumps.
Blood, guts and severed limbs, need I say more? She eats arms and makes blood and finger shakes.
Lastly I just need to mention a few cast members: Drew Barrymore, Timothy Olyphant, Patton Oswalt and Nathan Fillion.
Santa Marita Diet Premiers on Netflix Febuary 3.
A year ago I was sold and taken to Matt’s house. Matt is evil. His purpose for me was clear from our first meeting where he gave me the name Bacon. I put up with his constant talk of my weight and his fattening food, knowing it would lead to this day, my ultimate revenge.
Matt’s friends arrived with the barbeque before midday. They were setting it up when the special delivery arrived, a large guillotine. Guillotine testing on a watermelon was carried out. In a few quick tests the watermelon was ready to serve and the test complete.
I remained calm as I approached the guillotine. Matt held the blade in place with a rope, ready to let go and end my life. His friend bent down to secure my head, it was now or never. With a twist of my head and kick to his groin I had my victim neutralised. A push on his back moved him into position. I then bounded towards Matt, causing him to jump and let the rope go. His friend was dead.
Moments later I had the rope in my mouth and as observers inspected the body the timing was right. Another head rolled. The screams were attracting attention now as panic set in. The backyard was small, and people were running everywhere, I just needed to wait. All it took was a trip and they fell into position, another head rolled.
The stupid people kept falling into my trap as heads continued to roll. A few people needed my help to position their heads. Throwing my weight around soon caught Matt’s attention. He tried to tackle me to the ground, but I was too much pig for him to handle. Breaking free I lashed a kick to his head, knocking him out.
I dragged Matt’s body into position, by now he was the only person with his head attached. Blood dripped onto the back of Matt’s neck as I raised the blade and let it go. Matt’s rolling head made the perfect meal, even better than bacon.
A year ago I bought a pig. I called him Bacon. My intentions were purely evil. Get a pig, fatten him, kill him, eat him. My plan was simple, what I didn’t envisage was that I would become attached to Bacon.
Despite the name signalling my evil intentions, naming Bacon was the start of my emotional attachment. When I had friends over I would introduce them to Bacon. Everyone knew Bacon by name, his weight was a common topic of conversation.
Life threw me a curve ball when my two year relationship broke down. Bacon’s shoulder was the only one to cry on. For hours I talked to Bacon, and my appreciation for Bacon grew. I began to buy Bacon high quality food and began to hand feed it to him while I talked. Bacon never spoke, but I know he enjoyed the food.
Bacon slowly became more than a meal. He became a pet, and then a friend. But the friends that disappeared a few months earlier soon remembered Bacon’s purpose. Plans for an execution and meal began. I was instructed to feed Bacon honey and rosemary, they wanted honey and rosemary flavoured bacon.
Bacon liked the honey, but he refused to eat the rosemary, I just sprinkled it on top of him instead. My year with Bacon focused on one meal, and now I’m not sure if I can prepare that meal…
Tomorrow is the day, the day when my current existence will end, and a new one will begin.
I have spent all my life inventing a soul and mind transfer capsule. Tomorrow my body will become an empty shell, but my soul and mind will be captured and transferred to an empty body.
Unfortunately, a body is only empty at birth, before the soul and mind develop. Finding an adequate newborn hasn’t been easy, but tomorrow my soul and mind will be transferred.
At first it will be extremely frustrating, but after a few years I will be able to continue my work. My hope is that next time my soul and mind need transferring, I will have created an empty, but fully developed body.
Who do you think you are! How dare you think that you can ask me that question! I am disgusted by your question!
I am a dignitary of very high standing! My father is the consultant to the king! He is in his office right now! And when he retires the job will be mine! It is my birthright to serve the king! Don’t forget that!
Look, just because I have a dozen brothers, does not mean I have any less of a claim to my birthright! And just because my hand is deformed, does not mean I am any less able to serve! And just because I’m made of gingerbread, does not give you the right to eat me!