Well, your honour. I was on my way to the shops. It was a Tuesday. I was feeling a slight bit down, my stomach was a bit sore. I had eaten some dodgy cheese for lunch.

“While I’m sure this is important could you please get to the attack.”

Sorry your honour, but it’s important.

When I got to the shops it I saw the victim straight away. I smiled. At the time the victim was beautiful. Stylish, colourful, clean, a bit unpredictable, but completely lovely.

After admiring the victim, I went into the shops and bought a red whiteboard marker for the presentation I was giving the next day.

I got to the check out and bought my marker. And then as I headed back home I took a second look at my whiteboard marker. It wasn’t a whiteboard marker! It was just a normal mar….

“Please just get to the attack.”

So I’m looking at my marker when out of nowhere this kid throws the victim at me! The victim hits my hand, knocking the marker out. And the marker falls on the victim! The victim had no hope, my marker left the victim with a giant red gash. I’m so, so, sorry. Your football was brilliant.