Oh Scarlet you’re such a pig!

I hope you don’t mind me calling you a pig. Oh, sorry. You probably do, sorry. You’re wonderful!

It’s… It’s just that… well, you kinda eat a lot. I mean it’s all I ever see you do. And the way you eat, without cutlery, it’s kinda gross. And you love mud for some reason. You probably eat the stuff.

Which is horrible for your figure. Most girls have shape, and I’m not saying you don’t have a shape. It’s just that you’ve put on quite a bit lately. Those thighs really show it. That is… once you get past the ballooning body. You’re not expecting?

Sorry I asked. And sorry I called you a pig. I love you! I love your pink complexion. It really brings out your eyes. And how could I not mention your curly pink tail. With your dirty, but always luscious snout at the other end.

I love you Scarlet!

I got a new car! Its red, it has a bull bar and it can go off-road! It’s quite the ride.

Anyway, I wanna tell you about my first trip in my new car. And the first thing I wanted to do in my new car was drive-thru a fast food joint and get a burger. So that’s what I did.

I got into my new car and drove to a fast food joint. Once I got there I saw the open door and drove inside. The car was a bit wider than the door, but the bull bar took care of that. There were also a few people standing at the counter, so I decided to pull up behind them and wait.

However, everyone started screaming and running. They were shouting “Drive-by! Drive-by!” I’m not sure why they had to say it twice, but they did. Maybe they were trying to tell me the new name for drive-thru.

Anyway, because everyone had run away I was next in line. So I carefully drove to the counter, there were a few bumps, someone must’ve dropped a burger. And then, my mind went blank. I forgot what I wanted. You know there are suddenly all these options in front of you, so you forget the one thing you wanted.

Eventually, after a minute or so I ordered some chips and a drink. The service was good, I paid, got my stuff, and calmly drove my new car out through the other door. Again it was a bit small, but the bull bar came in handy again.

It was only as I was driving home that I remembered I wanted a burger…

Three guys stumbled out of a pub. The first guy, Bob, saw something flying through the air. He was mesmerised by this flying object, but he couldn’t tell what it was.
So he simply shouted, “Look, a UFO,” as he stumbled after it.

Bill and Brad followed, and the three comrades watched as the Unidentified Flying Object started to spiral out of control.
“Oh no! The UFO’s falling,” shouted Bob.
Bill hearing his exclamation was quick to correct him, “Don’t you mean U-F-O?”
A confused Brad turned to Bill as Bob kept chasing the UFO.
“What?”
“Unidentified Falling Object,” Bill replied as he passed out laughing.

Brad slowly caught up with Bob and found him standing over the grounded UFO.
“The UFO,” lamented Bob.
“It’s not a UFO anymore,” replied Brad.
“Yes it is. An Unidentified Flat Object,” said Bob as he passed out laughing.

Brad, the dumbest of the lot, continued aimlessly, but soon passed out laughing his head off as he finally got the joke.

So a few days ago I woke up with a very sore leg. But I still have no idea why, or how it happened.

I’m pretty sure it had nothing to do with the building fall. I landed on my head/shoulder. And that was two weeks ago, I’m over it now.

Maybe it was the time I ate a pineapple. It was really tasty, I just had to eat it all. Even the spikey green bit. I didn’t know you weren’t meant to, it didn’t come with a warning label.

It was probably something unusual that happened recently. But the only thing I can think of is the dream I had about being abducted by aliens a few nights ago.

Hang on. Maybe it wasn’t a dream. Maybe it was real. And that explains what on Earth happened. Well, sort of. See, because I wasn’t on Earth I don’t know what happened. The question should be what in the universe happened…

It’s a question that will have you second guessing everything you ever knew. It will shock you to the core and your answer will reveal so much about you that you will wonder if you should tell me.

But I guarantee that I won’t use your answer for any evil plans of mine. Maybe just a doomsday one. But don’t worry, my doomsday plans never work, and generally they involve more than one person.

You’re not the first person I’ve asked. But you should still feel special, because I only ask special people this question. And I only haven’t asked you until now because this question is so special that I had to be sure you could handle it.

And I’m sure you can. You’re special, and I await your special answer.

But first the question… What is your favourite colour?

As I put tomato sauce on my blueberry muffin I decided that the whole world should change the word sauce to blood.

The whole world should just start calling it tomato blood. The colour is similar, the consistency is similar and it sounds cooler.

Barbeques will never be the same. What blood do you want on your sausage? Tomato, BBQ or Sweet & Sour? I would go to that party.

And why stop with sauce, let’s change the word jam too. Some strawberry blood on your toast is sure to wake you up in the morning!

There is a secret that I have kept for almost twenty years. It is a secret that all Territorians are expected to keep for life, and if they don’t, the punishment is death. But I cannot keep this a secret any longer.

Territorians keep crocodiles as pets and let them roam the streets.

We disguise our pet crocs as dogs. They live in most backyards and swim in almost every Darwin pool. The Government tags every pet croc with a light-distortion-cloaking-device (LD-CD). This means that a croc with an LD-CD will appear as a dog on camera.

Territorians are trained to spot a domesticated croc with the LD-CD, and a wild croc without an LD-CD. However, tourists and visitors aren’t. In order to protect them the Government makes them carry a digital camera. This initiative has drastically reduced tourist deaths over the past decade.

Over the past decade wild crocs have infiltrated many Darwin suburbs. They generally lie waiting in backyard pools. Therefore, croc handling training became mandatory to anyone in a profession involving pools, including life guards. It is mandatory for pool guys to show their croc handling licence.

The NT News appear to have an obsession with croc stories. But every croc story is a community service announcement, and mandatory front page news. It is very important for Territorians to know the location of wild crocs.

Wild croc are dangerous. And now domesticated pet crocs are returning to their wild roots in captivity. The problem is vast and the cause unknown. The NT Government want to cover it up, but I will not allow that.

Today I saw three pet crocs roaming the street. They all attacked me and have returned to their wild roots, but they still appear as dogs on camera and in mirrors. I survived, but there will be high casualties if this problem goes on.

Whenever I see or hear someone introduce two people I always double check which one is which. And this is because of a mistake I made ages ago…

It was a cold winter’s day in Darwin. I can’t remember how old I was, but I think I was under two. It was shortly before my birthday.

Anyway, two people came to visit me, I was looking after the house while mum was out getting some bread. The two people said they were Sam and Jayne. One was a guy in his mid-twenties, and the other was an older lady. I assumed the older lady was Jayne, and the guy was Sam.

I can’t remember why, but I started hitting Sam. I think it was because he didn’t like French toast. How can you not like French toast? I don’t know, so I beat up Sam pretty good.

Anyway, my mum gets home and hears about the whole thing. Once Sam and Jayne leave my mum asks me why I beat up Jayne. I told her that I didn’t touch Jayne. But she kept asking me why I beat up Jayne. The guy had to go to hospital, so mum was pretty angry. But I kept telling mum that I didn’t touch Jayne. So she sent me to the naughty corner for a few weeks.

When I was let out Sam and Jayne were back. The guy had ten stiches, serves him right for not liking French toast. Anyway, mum asks me why I beat up Jayne. And I reply, “Clearly I didn’t touch Jayne, but Sam deserved it.”

At this point my mum realises that I had Jayne and Sam mixed up. Jayne was the guy, and Sam was the girl. A common mistake, especially for someone who was only 23 months old. And now that’s why I always ask which is which.

Last week I shared a concept I had for a villain and a pre-kill monologue about peace. And as I was writing it I realised I could easily adapt it for the Star Wars universe. The Jedi and Sith codes both talk of peace, and a Sith is a fun character to write…

Our Sith has just overpowered a weak Jedi in an epic duel. The Jedi lies helpless on the ground, but still conscious. Our Sith has a few words of encouragement before he delivers the killing blow:

SITH: There is no emotion, there is only peace. Peace is a lie. There is no such thing. There is only passion.

Passion lives in everyone, even you. Every single mind is filled with passion. No one can live without it. Passion controls all our thoughts, all our ideas, all our actions.

You Jedi rely on passion, you rely on love. And it is this passion for love that makes you weak. You strive for control, for peace, and you think love will get you there. You’re a contradiction.

There is truly only one way to gain serenity, to have peace. Death. (the Sith ignites his lightsaber)

JEDI: There is no death, there is the force.

SITH: And the force shall free me! (then the Sith kills the Jedi)

I recently had a concept for a villain. So I thought I’d share it with you…

The villain has just disarmed a combatant in an epic fight. Our disarmed combatant lies helpless on the ground as the villain goes into a monologue:

Peace. It’s a tricky concept to grasp. You see it’s not a world without war. It’s not a household without conflict. It’s not a talk without disagreement.

Peace is so much deeper. Peace is when our minds are so tranquil that there is not one single care in them. No one worried about what they’re having for dinner.

Every single worry causes disagreements, conflicts and war.There is only one way to stop a person from worrying, from caring, from thinking. Death.

So, I ask you, (pause while villain points weapon at helpless combatant) do you want peace?