If I was an actor I would use my talent for evil…

At the coffee shop I would act like my order hadn’t come. I wouldn’t even need to order, I could just go there and stand impatiently. I would be upset whenever they called out a name, tap my watch, and pretend to tell my boss that I’m late because I’m still waiting for my daily coffee.

In the restaurant I would act like my food tasted terrible. It would be great if I sat next to the window. I would perform for those outside, maybe I could convince people the restaurant isn’t that good.

On the street I would create contact and go down, pretending they broke my ankle. I bet I would get a few penalties that way, and as soon as the card came out I would spring to my feet.

“Why? You just dropped me off.”
“Well, yes, but as you can see the bus won’t move now. And it’s all your fault.”
“My fault! How?”
“Over the past two months you have been sighted exiting the bus, and then the bus not working after that. It’s happened on five occasions now and I know you’re to blame!”
“Really? You think the bus isn’t working because I got off?”
“Yes! Now get back on the bus!”
“What happens when the bus finishes its route?”
“Stay on for the next one. You can never get off again!”
“So, is this a kidnapping?”
“Yes, I suppose it is.”
“Right, well, if you’re willing to kidnap people when your bus doesn’t work, what does that say about yo… Does the bus have Wi-Fi?”
“Yes.”
“Cool, I’m in.”

One day I was in a shopping centre, so I went into the apple store. I wanted an apple, apples are my 8^th favourite fruit. I think on this particular day I wanted a Granny Smith apple.

In the store I couldn’t find the fresh fruit among all the electronics on display. So I asked a person where the apples were. They looked at me funny and walked away.

The next person I asked was more helpful. He responded, “Were you after a Mac, an iPod, an iPad or an iPhone.”

Now it was my turn to give a funny look, before calmly replying, “Do you have any Granny Smiths?”

He laughed for some reason before saying, “Ahh, we just ran out. But if you’re looking for apples just go down the stairs, turn left and keep going. Eventually you’ll come across some apples.”

So I did, but I still want to find out how the apples from the apple store taste.

“You’re under arrest.”
“What for officer?”
“Making death threats.”
“I never made any death threats!”
“November 3, Katie McGregor. You were talking about how you would like to die. Miss McGregor said she, quote, “I’d like a quick death, like a bullet to the head, or just a simple head removal,” end quote. Then you said, quote, “I can make that happen,” end quote. And Miss McGregor reports that you had a creepy smile on your face and a gleam in your eye.”
“That is true officer, but it was a joke. We both laughed afterwards and I haven’t killed her… yet. Wait!”
“What?”
“Sorry. I have a habit of throwing in sarcastic jokes and forgetting to turn on the sarcasm. Meaning people don’t know whether I’m joking or not. It’s a curse.”
“Ahh, so you don’t mean Miss McGregor any harm?”
“No, officer.”
“Ok then. You’re a nice guy, I don’t think you would hurt anyone. Thankyou for your time. I’m glad this day is nearly over, just a few hours of paperwork to go. Kill me now, if you know what I mean.”
“I can make that happen… Wait!”
“What?”
“Sorry.”

I went to a fancy restaurant on the weekend, complete with glass like plastic bowls. You know, the ones that look like glass, but…

Well, I’m 99 per cent sure it’s a plastic bowl. It just doesn’t quite shine like a glass bowl would, it’s a bit dull.

Also, I’m not sure it’s heavy enough to be glass. I would expect a glass bowl of this size to be a little heavier.

And it definitely doesn’t make the right sound when I tap on it. So, it must be a plastic bowl… I think.

I think it’s plastic, but how can I be sure? I could throw it on the ground. Yes of course! And just wait to make sure no one’s looking and…

SMASH! SHATTER! SMASH!

Umm, so the bowl was plastic… but that window definitely wasn’t.

I bet you’re wondering how I got here…

Well, it all started three weeks ago, I believe it was Wednesday. I was out in the garden when I saw a tree fall down. So I went over to investigate, but when I got there I saw that the tree had fallen on one of my neighbour’s prize roses. So I immediately moved the tree off the roses. They’re nice roses, and I can’t bear to see a rose die.

I saved the rose, it was a tricky procedure but I managed to save it. Or so I thought…

A week later another tree fell down on the same rose garden! This time I rushed over to the rose, it was life or death! I reckon the rose was on life support for two hours. Once I got the tree off it I didn’t care about anything but this dying rose.

Every day for a week I took care of that rose like it was my own. I sang to it at night, I read bedtime stories to it and fed it by hand. I slept next to it one night. I care about that rose, it’s like family. I love it more than anything.

This morning I went out to visit Grace, that’s what I call her, the rose. And she was standing there looking so beautiful. I had nursed her back to full health. Next thing I know is I had a hood over my head and I was thrown in a van. I woke up here, next to you and the guy with a gun to our heads.

What about you? How did you end up here?

Let me tell you a story…

It was a dark and scary night. Thunder crashed and lightning flashed, and the rain felt more like a bath than a shower. I didn’t want to be walking home at that hour, but the meeting was mandatory and the food was free.

As I walked I noticed a dark figure running towards me. As he came closer I noticed that his left hand was missing, it was just a stump. As he brushed past I felt a cold chill slither down my spine, and I froze for a second before continuing on my way home.

It was still raining as I rounded the final corner, my place was just over a little rise at the end of the street. Soon I would be home and dry, literally. As I chuckled to myself I missed the stick in front of me and tripped over it, landing on my face.

When I woke up it had stopped raining, but my clothes were still damp. As I jumped to my feet and dusted myself off I noticed that my left hand was missing. I also noticed a large pool of blood at the bottom of the hill, however my arm wasn’t bleeding and I wasn’t in pain.

That was three years ago. No one has seen or heard me since then. And then I meet you… on a dark and scary night…

To my darling wife,

I love you. I woke up this morning and just had to tell you. I will always love you, you can count on that.

Thank you. Thank you for everything you do, for me and for others. I know I don’t thank you for everything you do, but I hope you know that I always appreciate it.

Sorry. I make mistakes, I am sorry. Please forgive me and know that I endeavour to make less mistakes every day.

When I woke up this morning I had a song in my head, and honestly all I wanted to do was dance with you. To move in harmony to the beat, to smile, to laugh, hug and kiss.

I hope that when you read this, all you want to do is dance with me.

So, shall we dance? I know the perfect song.

Well, isn’t it obvious? I thought teachers were smart. Let’s go through this step by step.

I said I haven’t got my homework with me, the dog ate it. Which means that it is now digesting in my dog’s stomach. And you know all about that because you taught us how digestion works in health class.

And after all of that I’m sure it’ll come out the other end. Of course it won’t be in one piece, you probably won’t be able to read it and it might smell a bit. But you’ll get it.

I’ll take my dog for a walk every day before school and rummage through all of its poo to find my homework. It might take a few days, I’ll smell really bad and be late almost every day. But you’ll get it.

“Alright then, have a seat. Ok class, due to Rick’s unfortunate mishap with his dog, we’re not going to mark your homework today. It also means that I’m assigning everyone except Rick with extra homework. And I’ll do it too. Your homework for tonight, is to get a gas mask.”

I only have ten minutes to write this, and I’m going to explain exactly why.

You see, ten days ago I was at a conference, and I met a cute girl there. Her name was Ellie, and she was wearing a stunning blue dress.

So we talk and dance into the night, and I say night because we never got to morning. At 11:59PM we were dancing along when her dress suddenly turned red and flames started coming out of her eyes. Then she disappeared…

Since that night I am sure she has been following me. I know this because I receive phone calls from her saying she likes what I’m wearing.

She’s also been texting me a date and time. That date is today, and the time is