Maria, Shane and I pushed past Mark, but the sight of Shelly made me wish I hadn’t.

I grew up with Shelly even though she was a few years older than me. We often got into trouble but Shelly was always there to protect me. I always looked up to Shelly, moving in with her felt like being united with my older sister.

I met Shane at university and immediately liked him. I always felt safe around him, he was very protective of me. My only worry came when I introduced him to Shelly. I thought they would get along well, but instead they were really nervous around each other. Maybe there was history there.

Staring at Shelly’s body paralysed me. There was blood everywhere, her clothes, the carpet, her hair. But despite all the blood she looked peaceful. She lay naturally, her face was clean and her eyes were shut.

Mark stepped in front of me and put two reassuring hands on my shoulders. “Are you alright?” he asked. I didn’t know what to say but out of the corner of my eye I spotted Grant. Shane pushed him back and followed him into the hallway. Mark was quickly off to calm the two down which left me looking at Shelly.

Was I alright? The question wasn’t comforting anymore, it was haunting. As I knelt at her side all I could think was that without Shelly I’m lost. She provided light in my life and was always on for a laugh. I would never feel the guidance from my guardian angel again.

I heard a rush of footsteps behind me and turned to see Maria enter with a phone to her ear. She looked for Mark, to answer I looked at the hallway. But my eyes soon returned to Shelly.

How precious she looked, so calm and beautiful. I gently picked up her hand, unblemished by blood it was soft, firm and warm. I clasped it to my chest and cried…

I pushed past Mark while Shane and Toni did the same. In my three years of living in this house I had walked in on a few strange things, but nothing prepared me for this.

When I first moved into the sharehouse my housemates weren’t Shelly and Toni. Shelly moved in a year later, while Toni moved in after I got married. Shelly and Toni were both mischievous and even though I was more reserved, we became good friends.

It was Mark’s hand that woke me from my shock. He whispered, “Call an ambulance,” into my ear. I stepped outside and dialled the number. This was the first time I had called an ambulance, and I was still half in shock when the barrage of questions came. I answered them as best as I could, name, emergency, address. The ambulance was on it’s way.

Then the operator asked me how Shelly’s condition was. I couldn’t look. Even looking through the window was hard, and I could only see her chest. But it moved, I was sure of it. Toni blocked my view, but I couldn’t stay outside anyway. The operator was giving me instructions I didn’t understand, but I knew Mark would.

As I entered Shane nearly knocked me over on his way out, but once I was inside I couldn’t see Mark. Toni responded to my unspoken question with a look to the hallway. I headed there and found Mark next to Grant’s body. Mark looked up and shook his head…

Maria, Toni and I pushed past Mark into Toni’s place. A few months ago I met Toni. I liked her and she liked me. We started dating a few weeks ago and she introduced me to her friends. I like hanging out with Maria and Mark, but Toni’s house-mate surprised me.

Shelly and I had history. She was my first girlfriend in high-school. We were together for a year and during that time we had a lot of firsts as we fell in love. When it came to an end I was heartbroken.

My relationship with Toni was going nicely when she introduced me to Shelly. I hadn’t seen Shelly since we broke up and even though I liked Toni, I couldn’t stop some of the old feelings for Shelly returning.

I had never seen a dead body before. Shelly just lay there, unmoving and dead. I almost lost my balance and aimlessly stumbled towards the kitchen, using the bench for balance. Behind me I heard a noise coming down the hallway from the bathroom. It was Grant, and he held a blood stained rag. I put the pieces together.

My instincts kicked in. I grabbed a knife off the bench and thrust it into Grant’s chest. I felt powerless against my emotions, Grant stabbed Shelly and he had to pay. Blood rushed through my veins as I plunged the knife into Grant again and again.

Mark struggled to overpower me as I continued to stab Grant, not even Mark was going to stop me making Grant pay for what he did to Shelly. Mark finally managed to restrain me against a wall. I continued to struggle, but went nowhere.

As I started to calm down Mark loosened his hold over me. I wrestled free and ran. Straight past Shelly, out the open door and past Maria. I had to get out…

Maria, Shane, Toni and I had just returned from a date night movie, but we felt like continuing the fun with a game of cards at Toni’s place. Toni’s place was small, but she and her house-mate, Shelly, often entertained.

I knew the place well, Maria, now my wife, used to live here. Maria and I still often visit and invite the pair on date nights like this one. Toni and her new boyfriend, Shane, came to the movie while Shelly and her boyfriend, Grant, decided cook dinner for us before our return.

I opened the door, and froze. In front of me lay Shelly. Blood stained the carpet and Shelly’s shirt. Maria pushed past me and saw the scene. The shock on her face shook me into action, I whispered to her, “Call an ambulance.”

At first she didn’t move, so I reached a gentle hand over her shoulder and repeated my instruction. My touch seemed to spark her back to life and slowly she went outside to call an ambulance.

I felt both Shane and Toni push inside too. By now they had both seen Shelly lying on the floor covered in blood. Turning to Toni I stepped between her and Shelly, putting my hands on her shoulders and asked, “Are you alright?”

But she didn’t answer, instead her eyes looked over my shoulder. Turning around I saw Shane at the start of the hallway wielding a knife and lunging further into the hallway. I reached Shane and saw him stabbing someone below him. I grabbed Shane and although I’m stronger tearing him away wasn’t easy. I copped several elbows to the face before restraining him against the wall.

As he calmed down I was able to get a better look at the helpless figure lying in the middle of the hallway. It was Grant, Shelly’s boyfriend…

Lucas and I had the weekend off, so we decided to rent a cabin in the woods. And this is the line where I tell you that we never should have done that because our lives will never be the same again. Or something along those lines.

On Friday evening we drove up to the cabin after work. We arrived after sunset and Lucas started a fire while I unpacked. And right now I tell you how we first noticed something strange. I explain that it was a feeling we both had, like we were being watched or misplacing a few items.

Once Lucas got the fire going he started cooking the sausages we bought. Now I talk about the undeniable event that told us to run. Like the lights going out, or the random knock at the door when no one’s there. But we’ve all seen a horror movie, we know the main characters never do the smart thing.

As I lay in bed a hand grasped my arm. This is the part where you guys get really scared. Then the camera zooms our to reveal Lucas in the same bed. You feel fine, everything is calm. But then another hand grabs my throat, making you jump.

But none of that happened. Lucas and I just watched a few horror movies on the couch and feel asleep.

I’ve found out that my tongue is quite important. It’s very painful to talk and eat when my tongue hurts. My tongue started hurting last week, but I can’t look at it to find out why.

Now you’re probably thinking why I haven’t looked in a mirror. Well, I was taught that it is rude to poke your tongue out at anyone. That includes me, and when someone is rude to me I burst into tears and cry about it for hours. I can’t be rude to myself, my sanity depends on it.

I can’t look at my tongue in a mirror. And I can’t poke my tongue out at other people, even if they say they don’t mind. I tried shrinking people and putting them in my mouth to look at my tongue, but I accidentally ate a few.

I have no idea why my tongue is sore. And I suppose I’ll never find out. And this is happening after I was kidnapped and tortured because I spoke too much. It’s been a bad week.

Last week I was slicing a loaf of bread and…

I cut off the first slice of bread, then I ate it…

So, the first slice of bread is in my stomach when the rest of the loaf attacks me and grabs the knife…

I attempt to get the knife back, but the loaf stabs my arm…

So, the loaf is standing on the table with a knife to my throat while my arms are up…

He, the loaf, starts talking, he says he’s not going to kill me…

But will make me suffer…

Which is when I feel a thump in my stomach…

And I realise that the slice of bread I already ate is attacking me from inside my stomach…

There’s nothing I can do…

Except eat bread’s mortal enemy…

Potato!

So I rush to the fridge and grab two potatoes…

I put the first on the table and take a bite from the other…

The one on the table springs into action and attacks the loaf of bread on the table…

And it’s then I realise my fatal mistake…

A second later the agony begins as the potato I ate reaches the bread in my stomach…

All I can do is lie on the floor in agony…

The battle rages for two weeks…

After a momentary cease fire ten days in, my brain decides to get involved…

My brain decides to try and unite the bread and potato…

Into the fridge I go…

I take out the tomato sauce and squirt it straight down my throat…

For a moment it seems to have worked…

But only a moment…

The potato and bread both love the sauce, but it doesn’t sustain peace…

After more fighting I decide on one last mission to unite bread and potato…

I search the fridge, but I can’t find them anywhere…

So I grab my phone and call the butcher…

I tell him to cook and deliver a sausage ASAP…

Half an hour later the butcher walks through the door…

But he doesn’t have the sausage…

Instead he has a slice of bacon…

And with a gasp the potato and bread fighting on the table lunge at the butcher’s bacon…

As soon as the butcher drops the bacon food comes from everywhere…

The fridge opens and every single item of food marches out towards the bacon…

The ground shakes as down the street I hear every single piece of edible food march down the street…

The butcher and I are covered in food now…

As we gasp for our last breath…

He yells out to me…

“I cooked a sausage too!”…

Unable to see him I struggle to say, “What happened to it?”…

He replies, “I ate it.”…

And then the air rushes out of the earth as everything around me gasps…

The last thing I think is why he ate the sausage but not the bacon.

Hello and welcome back to the Awkward Small Talk Championship. For those just joining us we’ve reached the final six competitors. And the final match is about two minutes away. Now, Michael, how do you see the final playing out?

Well James, it’s very difficult to call, because each of our six competitors have vastly different styles. We have Shangle with his cringe worthy pick-up lines. And then Thess has been playing the language card all day. So, it’ll be a very interesting final.

Indeed, now before the competitors make their way out I wanted to get your thoughts on Garv. Now, his awkward weather talk is the best going around, but it’s been a long day and the weather hasn’t changed. Is he going to get tired talking about weather?

Not likely James. Garv is a real professional, long days and unchanging weather won’t bother him one bit. Garv has such a good knowledge of weather that he can see the subtle changes that others can’t. And he is an expert at using that information to continue awkward conversations.

Thanks for the insight there Michael. Now, I also wanted to get your opinion on the wildcard, Leaf. We don’t know anything about him and he doesn’t appear to have any particular tactic. Loookka has his bad magic, and Janice specialises in female hygiene, but Leaf just seems to be awkward.

You’re right there James. Leaf just seems to have that awkward talent that all the other competitors have worked for years getting just right. He always seems to say the right thing, and he is amazing at applying the right amount of visual awkwardness to each situation. It looks like he isn’t even trying.

Thanks for that James. Our competitors have arrived in the arena, so we’ll cross to our commentators for the final of the Awkward Small Talk Championship.

Ok it’s really simple. Go down this road, past the building that looks like a kangaroo vomiting, take the right two streets after the kangaroo vomiting, then take the next left. That’ll take you on to the highway, but what you need to do is a U-turn, because you want to head north on the highway, and from the entrance you can only head south. Once you’ve done a U-turn look out for the sheepish wombat building and take that exit. Make sure you take a left as soon as you exit the highway, and then look out for the building shaped like a foot. Go under that and turn left, then turn right and pass the tree that looks like a tree, then turn right, and you’ll see the statue of a statue that looks nothing like a statue. Too easy.

Startled, he awoke. A black hood covered his face. His hands and feet were tied together. His tongue was gagged and a noose condensed his neck.

Any movement made the noose tighter, and the steel around his hands and feet was more likely to cut off his hands than break. Instead he focused his mind and searched for the answer. He sifted through memories, but struggled to get past a feeling stronger than déjà vu. Finally a clue surfaced, the memory showed him showered in bullets, and a second memory showed him collapsing in poisonous gas.

He didn’t like his answer, but there was nothing else to do but wait, he wasn’t going to be the first to snap. Resisting the urge to struggle he drifted off to death… again.