Last week I was slicing a loaf of bread and…

I cut off the first slice of bread, then I ate it…

So, the first slice of bread is in my stomach when the rest of the loaf attacks me and grabs the knife…

I attempt to get the knife back, but the loaf stabs my arm…

So, the loaf is standing on the table with a knife to my throat while my arms are up…

He, the loaf, starts talking, he says he’s not going to kill me…

But will make me suffer…

Which is when I feel a thump in my stomach…

And I realise that the slice of bread I already ate is attacking me from inside my stomach…

There’s nothing I can do…

Except eat bread’s mortal enemy…

Potato!

So I rush to the fridge and grab two potatoes…

I put the first on the table and take a bite from the other…

The one on the table springs into action and attacks the loaf of bread on the table…

And it’s then I realise my fatal mistake…

A second later the agony begins as the potato I ate reaches the bread in my stomach…

All I can do is lie on the floor in agony…

The battle rages for two weeks…

After a momentary cease fire ten days in, my brain decides to get involved…

My brain decides to try and unite the bread and potato…

Into the fridge I go…

I take out the tomato sauce and squirt it straight down my throat…

For a moment it seems to have worked…

But only a moment…

The potato and bread both love the sauce, but it doesn’t sustain peace…

After more fighting I decide on one last mission to unite bread and potato…

I search the fridge, but I can’t find them anywhere…

So I grab my phone and call the butcher…

I tell him to cook and deliver a sausage ASAP…

Half an hour later the butcher walks through the door…

But he doesn’t have the sausage…

Instead he has a slice of bacon…

And with a gasp the potato and bread fighting on the table lunge at the butcher’s bacon…

As soon as the butcher drops the bacon food comes from everywhere…

The fridge opens and every single item of food marches out towards the bacon…

The ground shakes as down the street I hear every single piece of edible food march down the street…

The butcher and I are covered in food now…

As we gasp for our last breath…

He yells out to me…

“I cooked a sausage too!”…

Unable to see him I struggle to say, “What happened to it?”…

He replies, “I ate it.”…

And then the air rushes out of the earth as everything around me gasps…

The last thing I think is why he ate the sausage but not the bacon.