Once upon a time there lived a King and Queen. They loved each other so much that they were always right beside each other. They never separated, and their love allowed a kingdom to be built around them.

One day another kingdom declared war. Despite a great threat from the opposing kingdom the King and Queen held on to their love and always remained side-by-side.

Around them subjects died, their fortress fell, warriors succumb and priests gave their lives to protect the love the King and Queen shared.

As the Queen fell into the King’s arms he too lost his life. The Queen meant everything to him.

When the words “Checkmate” came, it meant nothing for a King that loved his Queen more than chess itself.

Today I had a knock on my door… If I’d written what happened next it would have gone like this…

As I opened the door darkness fell. Standing outside were two old ladies dressed in black from head to toe. They both carried broomsticks, although I doubt they were ever used for cleaning. Over their shoulders they had bags full of lollies and candy. And they carried the latest issue of WitchTower magazine.

“Hello,” they said in unison. “How are you?”
“I wish I were better.” I replied honestly, unaware that I had just fallen straight into their trap.
“Is that so,” said the shorter brunette.
“Would you like a cookie?” added the redhead.

The cookie was sweet, with a hint of pineapple. I had trouble working out whether there were bits of pineapple in the cookie or just simply pineapple juice, either way it worked.

“Darling, today we would like to offer you a free copy of this month’s WitchTower magazine,” said the redhead as she presented the magazine.
“Have you experienced a recent loss,” probed the brunette. “A loved one, a close friend, a family member?”

As I finished my cookie I knew that they had come at exactly the right time. Five minutes earlier I ran out of food. As I pondered my situation I knew what I had to do.

“Can I have another cookie?”
“Of course child,” said the redhead as she handed me another cookie before the brunette continued.
“We specialize in contacting the dead and buried. This magazine is death themed, it tells you how to speak to the dead and recall them to a second body. Would you like a copy?”
“Yes, they’re wonderful,” I said, completely enchanted.
The brunette handed me a  WitchTower magazine.
“What’s this?” I asked.
“The latest issue of WitchTower magazine,” said the brunette.
“No, you asked if I wanted another cookie. Which I do.”
“What about the magazine?”
“Nope, just more cookies”
“We only have five more,” stated the redhead.
“That’s ok, I’ll survive with five.” As the redhead gave me the remaining cookies I realised that they wouldn’t last long. “Can you bring some more back tomorrow?”

I have been told I should write a book! A book! A whole book! A book is long! I can barely finish a cup of tea without thinking, “Why am I drinking a cup of tea?”

I get distracted easily. To write a whole book would take ages! I can’t concentrate for that long! I think the longest I can concentrate for would be 90 minutes, the length of a football match. But if it goes into extra time I would concentrate for the extra half hour, and the shootout if it went to penalties.

But a book would take longer than 90 minutes to write! It’s a book! A long, long, long book. It’s like a ruler, you know, those ten centimetre ones. Think of that like a news article or a blog post, maybe a long one might be a 15-30 centimetre one. Than a newsletter is a metre ruler. But a book is like a 100 metre measuring tape they use to measure how far you can throw a javelin. It’s really, really, really long!

Now the only question is… what to write the book about?

No. This is not a post. I’m sorry guys but I simply don’t feel up to writing and posting on ‘Wait! What? Sorry.’ tonight.

The reason is I’m injured, a few days ago I lost my hands. At night I remove my hands and put them on ice to relax for the night. They sit in an esky beside my bed while I sleep.

A few days ago I woke up and couldn’t find my hands in my esky. So I went looking for them in all the usual places, behind the couch, under the bed, the dog’s stomach, the fridge and the roof. But I couldn’t find them anywhere.

Without my hands I can’t type. It’s taken my nose seven hours to type this, and I’m not done yet.

So unfortunately I can’t post tonight. Also if you find my hands can you please send them to me.

My music collection is legendary. I love my tunes and currently have over 350 compact discs. My collection ranges from instrumental hymns to ‘Weird Al’ Yankovic, with Jeremy Camp, Michael Jackson and Skillet in between.

My problem though is always deciding what to listen to. Generally picking the song my ears want to listen to is the most stressful part of my day.

My current method of decision making only works 80 per cent of the time, but I’ll share it with you anyway.

The first question I ask myself is “What mood are you in?” Once I answer that question, which generally isn’t hard, I deal with artists. I select an artist that matches my mood, from there it’s just selecting a song.

If I feel like dancing I know Michael Jackson is the artist I want. Right now I want to hear a lovely acoustic guitar…

Jars of Clay – Love Song for a Saviour

There are some things that are important. Like the football score. That’s probably the most important thing there is, it’s all I talk about at work.

Week in, week out. It always changes. Scores line up, scores are abnormal and every now and then you get a 7-1. It’s our life and blood.

Some would say it’s a matter of life and death, careers are made and forgotten because of scores. Friendships are forged and then ripped apart due to a simple score line. So I assure you it’s more important than life and death.

Sorry.

Rolling down a hill, well not really down a hill, more of just rolling along. I’m just enjoying being outside and on the grass, there’s really nothing I’d rather be doing. It’s so peaceful out here.

Owww! What was that? I was just rolling along and then something gets in the way, out of nowhere. There was nothing I could do to avoid it, at least it doesn’t seem to mind. It’s a colourful thing too, bright green with three stripes.

Ouch. The green thing with the stripes keeps touching me! I suppose it’s affection, I mean it’s just tenderly moving me into a more comfortable position.

Wait. What’s happening? The green thing with the stripes is flying towards me! It’s going to hit me straight in the middle. OWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Why green thing? Why? My middle is now aching, I’ll be bruised for days! We’re you trying to knock the stuffing out of me? And to make things worse I have no idea where the ground is!

Oh look! Up ahead there’s a net, I’ll be safe in there. Left a bit, down a bit, just over another object and into the net.

“And the crowd goes wild! A few quick touches before unleashing an unstoppable shot just out of the goalkeepers reach!”

No my child. Be patient, we will get there in good time. Look out the window, enjoy the company, and remember: The joy is in the journey, not always the arrival.

I can remember a day back in 2016. It was a lovely day and I was on the way home when a sound caught my ear. In one of the units someone was playing piano. I stopped and listened outside their window for over an hour.

It wasn’t the best playing ever, I remember plenty of mistakes, but it was still very nice. I just sat there in the fresh air outside someone’s window for a while. I never found out who was playing.

You see kids, if you’re so focused on the destination you might miss something beautiful.

Winter is coming. I will get cold. I don’t like being cold. However, I have a genius solution. I will light myself on fire!

It’s the perfect solution, because fire is hot. And if I light myself on fire I will be hot too. It’s the perfect solution. And not just for me.

If I light myself on fire there are so many other things that I’d do. Say someone let their coffee go cold, a few minutes in my hands and it would be hot again.

People also love toasted food. Because I’m on fire I would be able to toast their sandwiches, marshmallows and bread.

I think the best part of lighting myself on fire would be the friends I make. People would just sit around me toasting their marshmallows, and I could just talk to them. I bet they would hug me at the end.