My leg is wobbly and loose… which means my adult leg is coming!

The same thing happened with my teeth, although I got my adult teeth quite early. My baby teeth feel out and my adult teeth quickly grew in place. And soon my baby leg will fall out and my adult leg will grow in its place.

Once my baby leg falls out I’m going to put it under my bed and wait for the leg fairy. Just like with my teeth. Obviously my baby leg won’t fit under my pillow, so I’ll just put it under my bed. I hope the leg fairy won’t get stuck under my bed.

I haven’t taken good care of my baby leg, but it looks reasonable. It’s like my parents told me, the better the tooth, the more money I’ll get. So I’ll clean my leg before I put it under my bed.

And when I wake up in the morning I’ll find the money under my bed. I hope I get $1000 for it!

Your menu tonight:

Your entrée will be chicken and pumpkin soup. You were going to be given a choice of chicken soup or pumpkin soup, but there was an accident in the kitchen. The chicken fell in love with the pumpkin. The chicken would not leave the pumpkin after it was brutally chopped and thrown in the pot. So the chicken jumped in the pot too.

For your main course, you will be having sheep chops, served with spinach, carrot and beetroot. Unfortunately you won’t be having that tonight. You’ll have to return at a later date. Our kitchen hand who bought the ingredients got a few lambs, a kilo of baby spinach, baby carrot and baby beetroot. So we will wait until they’re fully grown before we kill them and allow you to eat them.

For desert we will be serving pavement with cream and berries on top. Apparently our trainee kitchen hand asked for fourteen “Pavs” at Bunnings. Should’ve gone to Specsavers.

Enjoy your meal.

When I was younger I was told never to put a plastic bag over my head. This was because if I did, I would die. Apparently I would suffocate to death. At the time I didn’t know what suffocate meant, but I knew it was bad. So I’ve never put a plastic bag over my head.

Anyway, I tell you this because during the week I was eating lunch at the shops. And a guy sits down next to me with his lunch in a take away plastic bag. The bag has writing on it: “Use me again and again!”

And I freak out because I’m thinking, “He could use that to murder the entire shopping centre!” But I’m also wondering, “How many take away shops are giving away murder weapons with their meals?”

A couple of weeks ago I analysed one of my own made up statements: Mad Cow Disease is breaking out in cats. When I analysed my statement I believed it to be fictional.

Since writing ‘What to Analyse?‘ I have talked to a friend of mine, The Crazy Cat Chick. We further analysed my fictional statement, with surprising results…

We found this article that says that Mad Cow Disease is possible in cats. And it has a name, feline spongiform encephalopathy (FSE). FSE is the cat form of Mad Cow Disease. There have been more than 100 cases reported in Europe. Cats get FSE by eating contaminated meat.

So… I made up the truth! Sort of…

Whenever I see the term X-mas I hate it. Not because I hate Christmas, but because it removes a very important part of Christmas.

X-mas removes me from Christmas. Me. I am awesome. I am one of the best things about Christmas. It says it right in the name, C-H-R-I-S-tmas. Christmas is all about me. And yet people want to remove me from Christmas. How dare they!

And why is Christmas all about me? Well, it’s got my name in it. But Christmas is the time of year when I rejoice because my Savior, Jesus Christ came down to Earth. That little baby went on to live a perfect life, die for me, be raised to life, and reconcile me. Me, he did it all for me.

But, he did exactly the same for everyone else. That includes you. Christ came to Earth to live a perfect life, die for everyone, be raised to life and reconcile everyone to the Father.

That’s C-H-R-I-S-T-mas.  For you. For me. For everyone.

I thought it was about time I analysed something. Cause people are always saying I should. Yeah, always.

So, I’m going to analyse something. I’m going to analyse one of my own statements. This is the statement that I will analyse: Mad cow disease is breaking out in cats. That sounds very reasonable to me, after all, I said it.

Let’s analyse from the beginning, the word ‘Mad’. To be mad is to have something wrong with the mind. As described in the Australian Oxford dictionary. But let’s look at it from a different angle, backwards it spells dam. A dam is a wall that is built to hold water back. Clearly more meaningful in this case.

Cow, or more well, known as beef, is another curious word which we must look at from a different angle. Turn it upside down and it becomes com. And that is simply an acronym for ‘Cut Out Men’.  COM is the committee for men cut out of cardboard. They meet once a month I think.

So in this case ‘Dam com’ clearly refers to the fact that cut out men have been building dams.

For the reason they are building these dams, we have to go to the end of the sentence. ‘Cats’. Cats are the enemy of Cut Out Men. The Cut Out Men are clearly building the dam to hold back cats. A dam will stop cats from breaking out. And breaking in. Because if they did break out or in, cats would cause the Cut Out Men to die from a disease known as ‘Staples’.

Quite simple really.

Tonight is the final of the FFA Cup, and it’s also the inspiring event for my first post about football.

Football is such an amazing, inclusive, world-wide sport. I love it. But way too often I am confronted by someone who knows nothing about football. That annoys me, I need to educate people about The World Game.

I’ll start by teaching you competition formats. I am forced to explain this to a lot of people, and I even tried explaining it to a dog once. That didn’t work, but I hope this simple explanation does.

There are three main types of competitions, League, Cup and Group to Knockout.

League competitions involve a set amount of teams each season, usually 10 to 20. Each team plays every other team at their home ground, and the opposing team’s home ground. In the English league they have 20 teams, meaning each team plays 38 games. To decide the winner they use a points system, a team gets three points for a win, one point for a draw and no points for a loss. The winner is the team with the most points.

Cup competitions can have unlimited teams enter. Over 100 teams enter the English FA Cup. But in Cup competitions if a team loses, they’re out. There are no points, the winner is the team that wins all their matches.

Group to Knockout competitions are a combination of the two formats above. They start with teams in groups of four. The four teams play each other and the points system is used to decide first, second, third and fourth. First and second move on to a knockout format which decides the winner. This was the format for the recent FIFA Wold Cup in Brazil, and for the upcoming Asian Cup in January.

Other competitions are a variation on these three formats. Like Australia’s A-League. But the FFA Cup is a Cup competition. So, I can say that I am confident that Sydney FC will not win the FFA Cup this year. The final is between Adelaide United and Perth Glory.

That guy just looked at the ceiling. And now I’m worried. Now I look at the ceiling. I just see the ceiling. It seems to be normal and sturdy. I have faith it will hold for the hour or so that I’m here. It’s all good.

But now I’m really worried… he just looked at the ceiling again. So I look again. Is that a crack? Is that a crack in the ceiling?!? Now I’m nervous. There’s a crack in the ceiling and this guy keeps looking at it!

This guy must be an engineer. He knows what’s up and what’s not staying up. He saw the crack. He knows that the ceiling is about to cave in on us all. But it can’t, I look up, surely not.

Now the guy is really close. He comes and sits next to me. He grins. It’s an evil grin. He knows! The ceiling is about to cave in and kill us both! He knows this and all he wants to do is sit next to me and watch me be crushed by the ceiling and die!

Now I feel really, really, really special. This random guy wants to spend his last moments with me. That’s pretty cool.

Jast is not a word. So why did I write it down?

Well, because you ask I will make up an audacious reason that is far from the truth. And when I have finished answering with my audacious answer, you will give me a look and ask “Really?” Then I will tell you a more realistic answer that you might believe…

Well, I clearly wrote down the letters J-A-S-T because it is a new word for an expression. To jast is to joyfully cry when a cow has been squashed by a suddenly beached whale. I wrote the word down because I was remembering the time when I was jastting on the edge of a swimming pool.

“Really?” I hear you ask.

Well, maybe, but more likely is the probability that I was really trying to type the word ‘haste’. The ‘J’ key is next to ‘H’, that explains the ‘J’. For the ‘E’, I simply realised that I had hit the ‘J’ key instead and because of that I stopped typing before I got the chance to hit the ‘E’ key.

And that is conceivably, possibly, maybe, probably, within the realm of what happened.

Welcome everyone! It’s so good to have so many people here! I hope you all enjoy today and have a lovely week. Please take your seats.

“Take your seats.” It’s a phrase I often hear, and I often ask myself, where are we taking them?

This is a very confusing phrase and I hear it a lot in church. Everyone stands up to sing, it might be for three hymns/songs or a couple songs and about twenty chorus’, depending on what church you go to, and when you’re done singing the leader says “Take your seats.”

I think this phrase is the main reason why someone wouldn’t go to church. Everyone is really confused by it. What is the leader asking us to do? Is he just giving everyone a chair that we’re meant to take with us? Are we meant to take them to another room? Are we meant to bring them back next week?

Well, to clear up a lot of confusion I will now explain the meaning of the phase ‘Take your seats’. It simply means: Topple Amazonian Killing Elephants, Yodeling Outside Unfinished Roundabouts, Sensible Egyptians Always Topple Sheep.

So I only hope that when the leader at church on Sunday says “Take your seats,” you chuckle to yourself as you think of yodeling elephants.