Well, ten days after I turned eight, got my lips stick in a gate, my friends all laughed, and I just stood there until the fire department came and broke the lock with a crow bar and I had to spend the next six weeks in lip rehab with this kid named Oscar who got stung by a bee – right on the lip – and we couldn’t even talk to each other until the fifth week cause both of our lips were so swollen and when he did start speaking he just spoke Polish, and I only know three words in Polish, except now I know four because Oscar taught me the word for lip, usta!

There was also a time when I had to kiss my Great Aunt Ruth, she had a beard, and it felt weird.

When I was just two years old I left my lips out in the cold, and they turned blue, what could I do?

Childhood scarred me.

*Shakes head*