Dear friends,

Today I write to you from jail. While it’s very unfortunate that I’m here (my palette longs for good meat), I hope that you can learn from my mistake and avoid my fate.

About a month ago I was at the local shops when I ran into a friend and we started talking. We were talking about normal things, our days activities, our upcoming plans and the recent movie at the cinemas.

Then I asked her why she was at the shops today. She searched her bag for an item. While she did this she said, “I ate my housemates…” I immediately jumped in with my compliment of her eating habits and informed her of my own.

I spared no detail, from selecting my human housemates, fattening them, killing them, storing them (including secret passagways and secrurity codes) and cooking them. I even invited her over to my place for a taste of my latest human.

When I looked back at her there was an expression of horror on her face. To my surprise all she said was, “Muffins. I ate my housemates muffins.”

She walked away quickly and the next day the police visited my place. They knew exactly where my storage was and even the security codes.

Friends, I write so that you recognise the need for patience and subtlety. It is a very important skill set to have and may save you a trip to jail.

Your friend,

Doctor Smith